A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse
by Faerlyte
Summary: One falling chunk of space metal later and priorities everywhere had been reduced to simply surviving to see tomorrow, and hoarding the last of the toilet paper. Easier said than done in a bunker full of Akatsuki. With the resident Blue Fish and the filthy Leaf traitor, Itachi Uchiha, as Sakura's only allies, the future was looking rather grim. Hold onto your limes and Vitamin D.
1. Chapter 1

**A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse  
**

**Disclaimer**: I own not Naruto, its characters or its Universe. I definitely don't make any money off of them either. **  
**

**Extended Summary: **Sakura is roughly 14 years of age, making Kisame 29. Now, I don't know about you, but pedophilia is not something that I associate with the word "love", so when I say that this is a love story, I mean it's a post-apocalyptic survival, _love_ story. Aka, the non sexual variety. Sakura is still a kid in many ways so this is a bit of a coming of age tale too because anybody would grow up pretty fast under circumstances such as these.

* * *

**_Chapter 1_**

A morning was rare when noise did not permeate the Akatsuki's base of operations in resonating shouts or indistinct crashes, usually from the kitchen. Arguing was a time honored ritual in a household full of S-class missing-nin, and only one woman, especially on days when Stitches had to cook breakfast. To the more water dense and alcoholically tolerant member's knowledge, both Kakuzu and his partner in crime were sleeping off roaring hangovers.

This quiet luxury Kisame Hoshigaki had every intention of savoring as he emerged from his room, stiff and revitalized. His strange biology did have its advantages some days. It was too bad that his skin prickled with unease as he ambled down the hall in search of his curiously absent partner, because it was ruining the mood.

He did take his merry time getting to where he was going. If Itachi wasn't in a hurry then neither was he, but it was strange.

When he reached his destination the door was already open in invitation. This wasn't the first time the blue skinned, shark toothed man had breached the boundaries of his partner's personal quarters and found him still in bed at the tail end of morning. The black haired man's unblinking eyes stared with fierce intensity at the ceiling, hands clasped over his chest. He was still in his robes, stretched out over his neatly made bed.

He probably hadn't slept at all, judging by the look of things, but that was normal. Years of experience in dealing with the taciturn man did, however, have Kisame quickly steeling himself for an inevitable change in plans. Much to Leader's future chagrin most likely. But few questioned the Uchiha when he made an executive decision. It was just something that he did.

"What's got you this time…" Kisame quipped as he leaned heavily against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest.

Here the silence was anything but comforting. After a few terse seconds Itachi blinked and the glazed expression evaporated as he swung his legs around to stand. His face was a blank sheet as he faced the other man, but the intensity of his eyes was sobering.

"Something is coming." He said and swept past, disappearing out into the hall.

Kisame hop stepped from the doorway to catch up, arms unfurling at his sides, "Whisker-face? The Kayuubi container? My luck isn't that-"

"No." The word dropped like a lead weight, sucking the air from the narrow passage of stone.

The shark-man's shoulders visibly stiffened. "So what is it?"

Itachi came to a stop at the end of the hall where it opened into the commons, eyes falling briefly on its lone inhabitant. From the couch, Deidara glanced up distractedly and squinted at them through tired, bloodshot eyes. His magazine fell into his lap and he glared.

"What are you guys doin' here, un?" He snipped and sank further into the cushions, averting his attention back to _Kunoichi Monthly_. "Weren't you supposed to be gone like three hours ago?"

Kisame grinned wolfishly as he stepped into the room with a quick glance around - Hidan and Kakuzu had yet to make an appearance still. "Burning the midnight oil again?"

"Tch, like you're one to talk Shark Face." The bags under the blonde's eyes intensified with his sneer. "Man, get lost if you're gonna be so noisy."

Shark Face snorted and followed after his partner who had long since gone up the stairs to the first level. Whatever it was eating him, he was going to find out. It might just end up eating him too if he wasn't careful.

Upstairs Itachi was nowhere to be seen, but the front door was ajar and light spilled out onto the bamboo floor from outside. Ksiame turned into the open courtyard through the doorway, squinting against the sudden brightness. The air was ripe with the scent of sakura blossoms and lilacs in summer bloom - Kisame's sighed happily, present circumstances temporarily forgotten.

And there was Itachi standing like a stone at the center of the dusty path which lead through two large gates out of the compound and into thick woods beyond. He was looking up at the sky, one hand poised to shield his eyes from the glare of the sun that whitewashed his face. There was the smallest hint of a frown a the corner of his mouth.

"We are in trouble." The timber of his voice was wary.

Kisame's brow rippled in acute apprehension.

It might as well have been a declaration of the apocalypse, coming from the likes of Itachi. Words failed the blue skinned missing nin as he followed his partner's unrelenting stare at the empty sky. It looked like any other day to him, but _something _wasn't right.

"I take it we're changing plans?" He supposed. An unbidden shiver traveled down his spine and he glanced around, hands twitching at his sides. Without his sword he felt naked, vulnerable - it occurred to him that perhaps he'd become too attached to it.

A hush squatted in the courtyard and left a tangible tremor in the air that settled deep in his bones. Kisame had never felt anything like it. His skin prickled with a sudden urge to flee that stark, open space; to run, hide, swim _deep _and never look back.

The sensation was, in a word, disturbing .

Itachi turned his head at him with sharp appraisal. "We must leave now."

Kisame felt like his stomach had dropped out of his body, though perhaps not as painful as the literal sense - it was just very cold and empty down there. He shut his mouth with a snap before an ill advised '_Huh?' _slipped out; Nothing Itachi said needed saying twice. Although if the man did have a sense of humor it was probably weird enough to find confounding his partner with ominous declarations of grandeur to be the height of amusement.

"Right." Kisame confirmed, stifling the nervous titter that threatened his voice. "Uh, where?"

"Underground."

He bit down on a groan. No need to advertise his disapproval - it just got him in trouble.

The Underground was a back-up base in the event that things took a turn for the worst, which, in Kisame's educated guess, they were about to. It was not simply a _jaunt_ from their present location though, and it certainly didn't inspire optimism because why the hell did it have to be _there _that they went?

Kisame was not fond of underground. It was too dry, confining.

Before another thought could upset his already disgruntled mood, Itachi launched into the trees. Kisame followed with a longing look behind him, because _goddamit_ his sword! But there was no time and the air seem to cling to his throat with a portent of doom, heavy and dry.

So he moved like hell itself was dogging his heels and never looked back.

Dust clouds settled over the empty spaces where two missing nin had stood only seconds ago, and a head of blonde hair peeked out of the doorway. He glanced around, eyes squinting painfully against the bright light in the sky, and grunted, "Wonder what the hell that was about, un…"

He disappeared back inside where it was blissfully dark. Hidan, Sasori and Kakuzu, the lazy asses, were probably still in bed after last night's binge. He could think of nothing more gladdening than to have them share in his misery.

Kisame was a second behind his partner as they scaled the trees, moving at speeds that defied nature and promised _pain _if he should miss a step. The great boughs groaned and whined underfoot , the branches straining under an invisible weight. His heaving chest from the effort of keeping up with Itachi for two grueling hours played percussion to the forest's miserable sonnet.

The entrance to the Underground, nothing but an indistinct wall of granite at the base of a rugged, tall standing mountain, materialized through the foliage a short while later, much to Kisame's relief. He shifted into high gear, drawing on all his reserves and stamina to spur him those last 100 yards.

Everything came to a shuddering halt in the span of two scorching hot milliseconds.

He felt it as a pulse that thrummed through his body and almost knocked him off his feet. The sound came after - a concussive boom that shook and shattered the air, so far away that it was scarcely more than a whisper. It grew exponentially into a rumbling tidal wave of noise that swallowed everything in its path.

The ground rippled and heaved, the trees wailing as their roots were bent and broken from the earth. Kisame felt each individual hair on his body stand on end and lunged for the entrance to the bunker with newfound desperation. He didn't know what the hell it was, but he was not waiting around to find out.

Itachi got there first, executing the hand seal to release the door. Then he was gone into the darkness, and Kisame dived blindly after him. The shockwave that pounded into the mountain at his heels threw him full force into his partner's back and they both went tumbling down the passage stairs in a tangle of robes and bruised limbs.

_Fucking stone stairs._

The shark man felt the gush of hot hair against the back of his neck just as the door closed behind them with a musty groan. The mountain itself jerked, as if struck by Kami. Kisame, who had just finished untangling himself from Itachi, went down in a heap, the ground literally yanked out from under him. He heard a grunt from his partner - the only evidence that the man felt anything at all.

_Go figure. _

A horrible, teeth rattling vibration coursed through the mountain and it felt like his brain was being bounced off the inside of his skull like a ping pong ball. The stone roared in his ears as he tried to stand, tripping on an indistinct object and barking out a curse as he struck his elbow against the wall. He gritted his teeth at the warmth that trickled down his forearm and steadied himself with a hiss of air between his teeth.

_Shit. _

Itachi set off ahead wordlessly and he followed, hands braced against the walls in the darkness. The brisk pace launched him in a haphazard jog down the passage, which didn't allow for tiny obstructions such as rocks that couldn't be seen in the dark, and invariably sent him tripping into another wall with another string of vicious cursing.

_Fuck Itachi and his bloody fucking sharingan _- he was going to beat the shit out of a mattress if he ever got out of this alive - Hidan would be better.

The trembling did not cease. It had gone on so long that Kisame had given up on it ever stopping. If the mountain didn't cave in on their heads he would be stunned - he might just become a priest or some shit. And his gut…oh his gut was twisting something fierce. When he tried to recall the last time he'd felt something so paralyzing and debilitating , for the life of him he couldn't remember. He was about ready to throw in his cards right then.

But he couldn't even do _that._ Not that he would, given the opportunity. Too many ninjas left to slay, blood to be spilled - what would they do without him?

It felt like an hour had gone by when the shaking finally started to abate. The air began to settle and the roar was now a distant hum. Kisame had no idea where the hell they were, but Itachi had stopped them in what was, presumably, a room of some kind, where they'd both taken a seat on the floor to wait out the remainder of the storm.

Then all was still and quiet. The only sound that filled the musty confines of the underground base was the steady breathing of its two inhabitants, a faint rustling here or there, and the scrape of sandaled feet shifting across the floor as Kisame drew his legs up to rest his arms across his knees. It was like the world had gone dead.

A heavy sigh permeated the silence.

"What the hell do we do now?" Kisame's voice sounded unnaturally gravely to himself, which he attributed to the vast amounts of dust he'd inhaled over the past 15 minutes. His gills were going to hate him later, possibly make him violently ill.

He felt his partner's eyes shift to settle on him from a few feet away, the sharingan a tickle against his senses. Itachi said nothing at first and Kisame had all but resigned himself to an ongoing silence when a voice pricked his skin.

"We wait."

Kisame resisted the urge to snort - he'd probably just suck up a bunch of crap anyway. _Fantastic, I thought I had to die to go to hell. _

* * *

"Shit."

Itachi gazed out into the hazy afternoon that was almost as dark as most nights, the lines under his eyes more pronounced than usual. His porcelain clear features never faltered, as if the utter devastation that faced them made no difference The guy had to be made of stone.

Kisame felt his insides shrivel.

"I don't suppose we'll be worrying about jinchuriki for a while." He remarked as he leaned idly against the rock face and stared at nothing in particular, because there _was _nothing to stare at, but barren dirt, uprooted trees and thick plumes of dust that remained suspended above the ground. "A bit anticlimactic after all the work we put in."

"We should check for survivors." Came the reply.

The shark faced man shrugged. Just looking around didn't give one the impression there would be any, but he wasn't one to argue. Although the dust in the air was going to give him asthma at this rate.

_Fuck, _his sword.

Kisame scowled deeply. "I left my sword at the hideout."

"I was referring to our _organic_ brethren."

One eyebrow lifted higher than the other in a shrewd glance at his dark haired partner because jokes were not his forte and catching them was a challenge. His lips folded into a wide smile, "Well it's sort of organic."

The Uchiha swiveled his head at Kisame with a carefully arched brow that mirrored his own. There was a sense of humor somewhere in that moody head of his.

They made for the other base through the ravaged remains of smoking forest and land, of trees splintered and smoldering on barren earth blown free of vegetation or life. Visibility was crap as a thick haze hung heavy over thing and coated the ground like ash. It didn't go down the throat easy and the shark faced one found himself frequently covering his mouth in his sleeve with baleful looks at his partner's back.

The zombie brothers might still be alive, but Deidara and Tobi…well, he wasn't holding his breath. It was too bad really - Tobi was kind of funny. Pein was fucked, and Konan too, because she would've stayed with Pein.

There were about forty holes in the master plan.

Unsurprising, the base was in smoking rubble when they arrived, the lower levels buried under the collapsed outer building. Obviously there'd been a fire, though not extensive as most of the wood was still fresh. Anyone that might have survived would have to be dug out.

Kisame set his robe aside with a sigh, because heavy lifting always fell in his department and he would have his work cut out for him. Being tall was exploited shamelessly by everyone beneath him, which _was _everyone in Akatsuki. Well if they were willing to concede that he was twice as manly as they were, so be it.

He was going to reap every bit of what they sewed, and with a cheerful smile on his face.

It caused a moment of pause when Itachi silently appeared at his right and rolled up his sleeves. He spared a glance for his enigmatic partner, arching an inquisitive brow that went unheeded, and shrugged with a casual resignation to expect the unexpected.

Itachi was nothing if not unpredictable.

* * *

At the bottom of a trench, wedged between unforgiving stone and dark soil, lay a tangle of brutalized flesh and bone. One outstanding feature stood out among the indiscernible heap of limbs, and that was a mop of pink hair fluttering haphazardly over a prominent forehead. A hitai-ate bearing the Leaf Village symbol held snugly to that same mop, though slightly scuffed and caked with moist dirt.

The individual in question was Sakura Haruno and a faint breeze had trickled down the walls of the steep cut to torment her in an already tormented sleep. It tickled her legs and crept under her skirt, stinging flesh burned raw from friction and gnawing relentlessly at her subconscious until the haze of her dream began to recede.

A subtle clenching of fingers preceded a sharp intake of air and her head shifted stiffly. Plumes of dust scattering as she exhaled. It was not right for the ground to be so damp when dust blanketed _everything. _

Sakura knew she was fully awake when her mind started to wander with a growing sense of irritation, edged sharply with panic. Her eyes opened a crack. There were shapes scattered across the ground in front of her - rocks probably - but it was too dark to tell.

_Crap._

It felt like someone had taken a machete to her head and cracked it open like a melon. Or maybe a chest bursting alien had gotten _lost _on its way out. She couldn't remember anything from the past few hours…? Days?

Moist earth pressed against her stomach - _cold, _moist earth - soaking through her uniform and making this whole situation about as miserable as it could be, sans a torrential rainstorm.

Her irritation grew with the nagging of little aches and pains, and things worse that she didn't want to think about. Breathing was laborious and punctuated by stabs of pain that probably meant she'd broken a rib or two.

It didn't take a genius, or even a medic, to know that she definitely didn't want to look closely at her right leg if she wanted to keep her composure. Her left shoulder felt like it had been jammed, but she didn't have the strength or the chakra at her disposal to do a proper examination. Not that she'd mastered that technique enough to earn that distinction.

A fall as spectacular as the one she took should have killed a normal person. She knew she didn't have pink hair for nothing.

Sakura narrowed in on that thought intently, but nothing else was forthcoming. Yes, she'd fallen, but _why? _And why hadn't somebody dragged her carcass to safety yet? There had been others, hadn't there?

She sighed inwardly, because she didn't recall that either and this was just so _irritating_!

Indecision was being a right bastard for her right now, because she hurt and she didn't know what to do - _if _she could do anything, and no one had come for her, which was all kinds of not good. But, all evidence to the contrary, she was still a ninja of sorts and she hadn't graduated from the academy by being a simpering, love-sick idiot.

Well, not all the _time_ anyway - only when Sasuke was around. So almost all the time.

Sakura gave a very un-amused grunt and dug her fingers into the ground beneath her, a grimace of concentration framing her mouth. Her head lifted slowly and she tested her right arm with the weight of her body before pushing onto knees. The first thing she saw when she turned her head towards her legs was the jagged end of a broken bone protruding from ripe, red skin and mangled flesh.

The pain was a micro-second behind the horrified comprehension.

"Oh _shit_." Her voice cracked and split like the beams of a burning house.

Tiny beads of sweat sprung along her hairline, multiplying like a virus into trickling rivulets that traveled erratically down the contours of her face. She was breathing hard and she had a white knuckled grip in her skirts as she blinked rapidly against the gut punch of dizzying nausea. When she closed her eyes they burst with lights that blinked in and out of the dark.

Her elbow buckled, but she was out before her body hit the ground.

* * *

It wasn't until her peaceful reverie was interrupted by a firm prodding to her side that Sakura realized she'd been unconscious, again. Her forehead made an ugly shadow over her tightly shut eyes and she swatted at the offending object in annoyance.

"Go away Naruto!" She mumbled peevishly and tried to role away from it and the bright light that was glaring at her eyelids.

Her body froze the instant she felt her leg catch and the explosion of pain brought tears to her closed eyes. She was quite awake now and biting down on her lip to keep from making a sound.

"Hey kid."

Sakura's mind came to a screeching halt, shoulders tense. She tried to place where she thought she'd heard that voice before, but she could barely remember her own name let alone place a disembodied voice. It seemed, in a distant part of her mind, to be…totally unfamiliar.

Maybe she was hallucinating?

"Hey kid!" Louder this time. The voice was male, baritone.

Sakura flinched, eyes springing open with a jolt of panic. Her fingers dug into the dirt and she pushed off instinctively.

"I wouldn't-"

Air hissed through her teeth at the subsequent paralyzing pain that shot from her shoulder down into her wrist, followed by a yelp. She collapsed, jarring her broken ribs in the process, and curled into herself with a moan. The air in her lungs felt like grains of glass. It came harsh and strangled, coating her throat in a thin layer of dryness that seemed to constrict more with each breath.

Why was she even _here?_ She didn't want to be awake. She wanted to go back to sleep because anything was better than whatever this was.

_Oh my god, you're going to die inhaling dust particles at the bottom of a trench! _

Sakura made a face, because seriously - dying from asphyxiation was just embarrassing. Her track record already being what it was, she'd never recover from something so shamefully un-ninja-y. There'd be no living it down, literally.

Not besides which, she already had her death meticulously planned out for the fateful day when she would give her life in attempt to save Sasuke from himself, but only as a last resort.

The sudden grinding of her teeth set the figure squatting above her back a wary step - it would've made her ridiculously giddy if she'd been privy to the action.

"Take it easy."

This time Sakura was able to lift her head and finally connect the disembodied voice to a face. She blinked, pale and drawn as a bright flash of light revealed blue skin, two small black pupils within round white eyes, and a set of teeth filed to sharp points. Her shoulders sagged with a dubious frown.

"You're not Sasuke." She croaked and even managed to throw a dose of accusation into her tone.

His name escaped her now, but she knew who he was - a man like him was unmistakable. Why he was here gloating over a dead rat she didn't know. She had the cold, sinking feeling - and it wasn't the frigid water that was ruining her clothes - that she would soon find out and it couldn't possibly benefit her.

"Kisame Hoshigaki, not really at your service." It was deceptively cheerful sounding, which made it all the more creepy.

Sakura agonized between paralyzed fear and what he would do to her if she didn't move. The determining factor being that he'd probably do it anyway, regardless of whether she attempted to mount a heroic defense, because she was in no condition to fight him. She may never _be_ in that condition, come to think of it.

She watched him, waiting for the stillness to break.

A maddening grin split his lips and he leaned forward to give her an analytical once over. The flashlight he carried cast his face in a more frightening light than ordinary. There were shadows in the hallows of his cheeks, and the dark folds around his eyes were more pronounced, but he made no move to touch her.

He seemed to find this all very amusing.

_I'm in the fifth ring of hell._

"What…" She let out a feral snarl when the words got stuck in her throat, and she coughed again, wetting the insides of her mouth with saliva. Her second try was more successful, "…do you want."

Her eyes were wide, wary, and rimmed with exhaustion, but she wasn't going down without a fight. Even if she was laying prostrate at his feet. She could break his knee with a well-aimed, chakra enhanced punch.

Maybe. She hadn't quite mastered super strength - hadn't even started training for it in fact, but she could imagine it happening, and that made her feel better.

Kisame cocked his head slightly to one side as he observed with more patience than was afforded by the circumstances, the girl's sorry state of disrepair. She was glaring at him with defiance, but she was fatigued, her hand balled into a fist with an ill-advised plan of attack. It was almost cute, if he wasn't feeling the effects of being topside too long himself.

Battle lust spiked in his blood at the prospect of a violence, but practicality demanded he make this quick, for both their sakes, and killing her was not on his agenda. Itachi would not find his explanation that she fought herself to death very amusing.

"I can leave you here." He suggested calmly. "If you prefer."

Uncertainty gathered in her throat and she pushed herself up, leveling him with a suspicious stare, "Why?"

He shrugged. "Itachi says you might be useful. There's not much left alive out here - you're the first we've seen."

Something snapped in her chest and Sakura blinked rapidly, "What do you mean? I was alone."

But she knew what he meant - she _knew. _

The blue skinned man looked at her for a long moment, not saying anything. When he finally did, it was with more gravity than she expected to hear from the likes of him, "World's gone to shit kid - it's not just you."

Sakura looked away blithely. "Then leave me here. I don't care."

"Those weren't my orders." He returned easily and he smiled, "you're coming along, one way or another. It's your choice how."

_This shouldn't be happening. _

But Sakura hadn't been studying feverishly with Tsunade for the past two months to ignore the fact that she was in a bad way and he was her only hope of survival. If she was going to do this, she might as well do it comfortably - her body could ill afford the abuse. She _was_ a survivor if nothing else.

"Alright." She relented, cursing herself.

A good shin obi would have slit their throat, right? Too bad she didn't have a kunai on hand. She very much doubted she'd have the wherewithal to do it anyway.

The man's razor edged teeth were impressive, but she ignored the display in favor of righting herself. She straightened up on to her good leg and carefully, _carefully, _shifted the injured one out of his line of sight.

His sharp eye caught onto the inconspicuous motion like a rabid dog pouncing on some misbegotten rabbit, "What's wrong with your leg?"

"Nothing." Sakura bit out defensively and edged back further.

"Don't be stupid." Kisame retorted and before she could so much as open her mouth he shoved her back to the ground, eliciting a sharp cry, and straddled her waist with part of his weight settled on her stomach.

Her eyes darkened with a mutinous snarl that didn't quite have enough air to sound menacing, not least of which because of broken ribs! "Get…off..._ribs_!" She wheezed, grimacing in pain.

"Oh, sorry." He lifted his weight, slightly, and went to jerk her good leg, but his hands were too quick and he pinned it to the ground, effectively squashing her lower half into submission. Her upper body was in too much pain to allow for much wiggling.

When he twisted around to investigate what she'd been so adamant to hide, the line of his shoulders went stiff.

"Well shit," He turned to look at her, a twinkling of admiration in his odd eyes. "Why didn't you say something?"

Sakura let her head fall to the ground with a muted thud, "Oh I don't know - maybe because I thought you might just rip it off?"

Kisame leaned his head towards her with a cheeky grin, "Now that would just be counterproductive, wouldn't it?"

The pain was starting to numb her brain, but the frustration was as prevalent as ever. Her eyes burned with unshed tears from fear or exhaustion, she wasn't sure which. She needed help to set the bone, and it was going to hurt like unholy hell, but she was loathe to have this person come near her, let alone try to help. Not that nearness was a factor at this point, what with him _sitting _on her.

It was times like these that she wished she was a medic-nin or something. Wouldn't that be useful? She was never useful.

"Keep still."

The moment his hands touched her injured leg she bucked.

"What are you _doing?_" She shouted anxiously as his grip tightened almost to the point of bruising - it _hurt_. "You idiot! You can't just go setting a bone - you could damage something!"

"I'm aware." Kisame replied insipidly. "If you'd stop throwing a fit and try cooperating I might even get it right."

Sakura went very still. "Okay, " She said quickly. "Okay - just…just hold on a second."

Kisame complied, moving aside so that she could resituate herself appropriately. She breathed in sharply as her eyes skimmed over the injury with out strictly seeing it. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip, which may have been quivering from the strain of not screaming.

_Oh wow, this is going to hurt. _Where was some anesthesia when you needed it? Her pulse was quickening as shock re-entered her system and she cast about anxiously for a familiar green back pack. It was too dark to tell anything but indistinct lumps of black.

"My bag." She said, reaching out to feel the ground. "I need my bag. It has some medical supplies in it."

The missing nin straightened immediately, the light of his flashlight making wide sweeps across the ground as he made a pass around the area. "I don't see it." He said. "We're just gonna have to do it the old fashioned way."

Sakura felt her heart rate spike as he lumbered back over to her. He gave her all of two seconds to compose herself before he was sitting on her again.

Her breath hitched when she felt his grip on her leg. "Wait, stop!"

"I'm not-"

"Let me-"

They stopped mid sentence to glare at one another.

Sakura grit her teeth. "Just let me see it."

He sat back grudgingly, shining light on it for her as she hunched forward to take a look. It looked decidedly ghastly. Her hands clenched and she tried not inhale too deeply, because that just made her ribs hurt - oh this was so a bad idea.

Kisame was crouched in front of her, watching her with an impatient frown.

"Maybe you should cut the boot away." She suggested vaguely.

"Obviously."

Sakura gritted her teeth, "Well _sorry_, not everyone is as smart as you."

Kisame wordlessly produced a kunai from his cloak and deftly sliced away the material that hugged her calves. He was quick and efficient about it, the pain contained in very small tugs. Then he was handing her a leather strap.

"Put that between your teeth." He commanded.

Sakura barely had time to register what that meant before she felt his right hand take a firm grip on her ankle again and a shock of pain went up her leg. Her eyes watered as she stuffed the leather thong into her mouth, biting down for all she was worth. She was not going to look.

It happened fast.

The bone snapped into place with grinding force and it was like someone had stuck an exploding tag _in _her leg, and she screamed for all she was worth. Kisame had to throw himself across her legs before she launched him flying, or caused more damage to herself, and pinned her to the ground with the full force of his weight. Her eyes were squeezed so tight that the salty liquid burning behind them couldn't get out and her teeth sank into the leather thong with a vengeance.

Seconds passed like hours. Sakura was reconsidering that kunai to the throat. It was not going to end - the pain would consume her and she would die there with an S-class criminal draped across her, which just wasn't _fair _and slitting her throat would be way more cool.

But even as the thought crossed her mind the agony was receding and she was starting to see again, in dark splotches instead of white.

Sakura sagged back on her elbows, breathing hard and shaking from head to toe. The leather strap fell from her mouth, bitten clean through, and her head fell back with a long suffering groan. Her hair was plastered to her face with sweat, which felt really gross, and her ribs really hated her, but the worst of it was over.

When Kisame did not immediately remove himself she gave him a warning glance, which he ignored.

Naturally.

"How does it feel?" He asked seriously.

Sakura didn't want to risk moving it, but the set seemed good and she felt a small amount of relief at that. "It's good." She murmured. As in, it hurt like fucking hell, but not as bad as it had a minute ago.

Kisame let go then and stood up, shaking out his cloak. "Good. Let's go."

"It should really be splinted." She trailed off, eyeballing her leg with some reluctance. At least there wasn't a bone jutting out of it anymore.

"We can do that at the top."

Sighing, Sakura stood up on her good foot, swaying unsteadily. She braced her hand against the wall of the trench and had to close her eyes as the ground seem to sway in front of her. What she had to say next basically stomped all over her pride with maniacal glee.

Her gaze shifted between him and indistinct shapes in the dark with a petulant sniff. "You'll have to carry me."

Kisame knelt to the ground and said, with positively gleeful resignation, "Well hop on then, cupcake. We don't have all day."

Her nostrils flared menacingly, but he was too busy waiting for her to get on to properly appreciate her fury. She took a good long look at the steep face they would have to climb and frowned unhappily. There was no way she was going to make it in her present condition, even with the rope that he had used to get down.

_Why was I left here alone? _Her heart sank a little further.

Sakura eyed his back with an acute sense of revulsion. She wondered if it were possible for her to do as he asked without actually touching him. She certainly tried. The fabric of his Akatsuki cloak was bunched under her fingers as she hopped up and sort of draped herself on him, legs dangling awkwardly at his sides without strictly holding on.

When she felt his hands grip behind her knees and forcibly clamp them around his waist, she tensed up like a guitar string. Then he grabbed her hands and positioned them securely around his neck.

Sakura's face had become a bright red balloon of mortification.

_Imagine it's Sasuke, imagine it's Sasuke, imagine it's-_

"Hold on." His voice, as coarse as gravel, interrupted her mantra with brisk finality.

While every pore of her body rebelled at the idea, she kept her hands firmly locked and consoled herself with the knowledge that this had to be a really bad dream. That the Blue Hulking Moron hadn't dismembered her yet was an obvious indication. Saving her life solidified her theory as law - in no realm of reality could this possibly occur.

Pleased with her powers of perception, Sakura closed her eyes and waited patiently to wake up. Her mind was adrift in delirious exhaustion not long after.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Alright, one chapter down. So...is it worth continuing, or shall I bury myself in shame and never show my face again? I've never written anything like this before, but I wanted to try something different so here we are. I'm ashamed to say that I've got about three other stories going (one of them is about finished) and I'm justifying the starting of a new one because I've been in super writing mode and updated everything - sort of, still working on one, eh heh.

The direction I chose to take this idea of mine was inspired by the Coen Brother's "True Grit", which came out in theaters back in December. This is an excellent movie, even if Westerns are not your thing. The music is also fantastic, but it's the story and the characters that really struck me, and I wanted to try something similar with some of my favorite characters in the Naruto-verse.

Hope you enjoyed the read!


	2. Chapter 2

**Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse**

Chapter 2

_**Friendly reminder: **_Sakura is 14 here guys - she's just a kid still so she's going to act like one and she hasn't quite given up on her perfect dream world. This IS a love story, but not your typical variety. Love comes in many forms, not all of them romantic in nature, and sometimes the latter is simply waiting on an individual to reach their maturity, which will be years in the future in this case.

* * *

Kisame had settled into a comfortable routine - if hauling some kid up a sheer rock face with a small flashlight stuck between his teeth could be mistaken for comfortable. They were about half way to the top he guessed, which was the exact moment when he felt the little kunoichi's arms and legs go slack. For one blissful second his burden was relieved.

Then he remembered that Itachi was waiting for him - them - at the top, and that dropping her made this bothersome endeavor quite pointless. Kisame didn't _do _pointless.

Gripping the rope in one hand the blue skinned missing-nin lunged backwards and grabbed the front of her red dress uniform. A pop resounded from the tendons in his shoulder and he bit down on a grunt of pain, eyes watering. Her weight, though not impressive, hung so awkwardly in his hold as to slowly drag his arm from its socket.

He steeled himself with two deep breaths - ah, there went the flashlight, disappearing into the depths below - and let out a feral roar as the muscles in his arm flexed hard, heaving her back up to his side. Through some precarious maneuvering he repositioned the girl with his free arm around her waist while he held on with the other hand. Now that the danger of dropping her was avoided he could deal with his other dilemma.

As proverbial a badass as he might be, no amount of chakra was going to get him to the top with a girl slung under his arm and only one hand to climb with.

Grumbling to himself about the audacity of pink hair, demanding task masters, and godforsaken flying gobs of space metal, he hoisted her up and gave her a good firm shake.

"Hey!" His face was inches from hers, glaring to no affect as they adjusted to the dark. "Come on, wake up!"

Not even a flicker of an eyelid.

"Don't make me bite you." He threatened, punctuating it with another shake. When her head flopped around like a rag doll he stopped - explaining to Itachi how he accidentally broke her neck wouldn't go down well.

A weary sigh came rattling from the depth of Kisame's chest. This was not going according to plan. The pragmatist in him advised that if biting her didn't work, nothing would.

So he bit her - not really hard, but her head sprang up fast enough to knock him in the chin as he pulled back.

"Ow." He popped his jaw with a wince.

In the time it took to properly absorb the situation, the girl's eyes had gone wide in obvious confusion at the trail of fresh blood seeping from the suspicious looking teeth marks on her left shoulder where her uniform had been torn, to narrowed slits of indignant fury boring into him with murderous intent.

"You_ bit me_!"

The little firecracker immediately squirmed hard against him in an attempt to disentangle herself, teeth barred in an animalistic snarl that took him only mildly by surprise. And was that her good knee coming up to-

"YAAHHH!"

From the bottom of the trench there drifted the emasculating shriek of a grown man to the lone sentinel standing guard at the top. A veritable twitch at the corner of the figure's mouth was the only indication he'd noticed at all.

After all, surely his partner could handle a mere _child._

Kisame's definition of 'handling it' begged to differ as his eyes watered from the nausea inducing pain of having ones private parts launched up somewhere in the vicinity of his kidneys. The ear splitting cry died with a gurgle in the base of his throat, followed by a long suffering moan. He promptly twisted around, pinning the girl between his body and the trench wall, and wedging one leg between hers to prevent the same from happening again.

"You fucking_ brat_," he wheezed, trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation. She jabbed him in the side hard and he hissed, bringing his face down to hers with a menacing growl.

"Ow ow ow!" The girl cried out, freezing up like a rabbit as her fingers reflexively dug into the flesh of his shoulders. "My leg!"

"Well no shit," Kisame retorted snidely. "You're a goddamn mess and you're still fidgeting around like a fucking weasel."

Her eyes widened with rage, "I'm _not _a weasel!"

"I said _like _a weasel" He shot back.

They held each other's gazes for a few tense seconds, neither backing down from the other until it was clear this could quite possibly go on forever if somebody didn't grow a set.

Of course if someone hadn't kneed him in the gonads Kisame's set would have sufficed just fine. The throbbing was beginning to abate by now and he allowed himself to breathe easy for a few blissful seconds. In hindsight, a bad mistake.

The little firecracker gave him a chop to the shoulders that damn near dropped him like a ton of bricks. His hand was bleeding where the rope had burned through the skin from the force of the blow dragging him down.

Where the hell had _that _come from? She was a little slip of a thing, barely out of diapers if you asked him. She shouldn't be able to hit like that - especially with half of her body parts broken.

One glance at her stunned, but admiring expression was clear enough. It positively reeked of smugness too. She was trying to wriggle a leg out to strike him again when he let out a roar.

"If you don't quit squirming I'm dropping you, Itachi be damned." His mouth was barely an inch from her ear. She froze in place, eyes wide and wary. "Better."

Sakura could just make out his face, menacing as it was in the dark, and she could feel his breath fanning across her face as it hissed through his clenched teeth. Without a doubt her life was hanging from a very real, very precarious tether right then. Not to mention this position was totally weird and uncomfortable.

This had to be the most god-awful nightmare that ever had the audacity to find her in reality.

"Fine." Sakura relented stiffly, "Will you get off me now?" She trailed off with an incoherent mumble that may have contained the words 'hulking' and 'blue moron'.

"What was that?" The shark toothed man jerked her up to eye level, their noses almost touching.

His eyes were rather frightening. Had she mentioned that?

Sakura smiled excessively bright and fluttered her lashes with a hardly guiltless, "Nothing!" that barely reached an octave below a squeak.

Kisame glared at her for a few more seconds, just to make sure his silent message of death was conveyed, before shifting away so that she could climb onto his back. "Finally."

Sakura resisted the urge to hit him again because it was fun hearing him scream like a girl. Instead she clambered onto his back, this time with her knees secured at his waist and her hands locked at the base of his throat - maybe she could strangle him to death?

_No_, she thought glumly.

So began the last half of the grueling climb to the top - not that Sakura could complain. She had plenty of time to reflect on the many advantages of a personal servant, such as being carried up sheer faced walls of dirt or stone, or setting bones. It was almost worth the humiliation of being rescued by her sworn enemies and trussed up like some foolish child.

_Oh_. Perhaps there was some truth to that.

The silence, however, was starting to grate. At least from Sakura's perspective. It was taking too long and her curiosity was badgering against the walls of her control. She was also feeling vaguely light headed, hungry, and tired.

"What are you doing here anyway?" She piped up, frowning. This was Fire Country after all - they shouldn't be here. Not that such a thing had ever stopped the Akatsuki, but it was never too soon to turn over a new leaf, right? Hahaha, new Leaf… Sakura coughed to hide the delirious giggle that burbled up her throat.

An unintelligible grunt was all she received by way of reply, which was a serious let down to the lengthy pause in between.

She resisted the urge to huff. "Jerk."

"We were in the vicinity," he relented. "You just lucked out."

"You call this _lucky?_" she asked dubiously.

When he suddenly stopped climbing, Sakura started to feel nervous. She waited, hands tense around his throat. Then, without warning he let go and they were falling, at which point she screamed quite loudly and nearly squeezed the life out of the Blue Hulking Moron in an attempt to hang on, which really wouldn't do a lot of good for either at this point.

Kisame abruptly halted their descent, to which Sakura finally found the capacity to breath again, and swung his head around at her with a waspish grin.

"Guess you don't want to die after all." He said, and it sounded dangerously like 'I told you so' the way he put it. "You can stop groping me now."

Sakura made an inarticulate sound of rage and disgust mashed all together in a banshee-esque howl. "Oh my god, _disgusting! _You fricken pervert! I'm 14 and you're _old_!"

"Hey, I'm not into kids. That's nasty." His eyes narrowed a fraction as he began to climb again. "Just what do you mean by 'old'?"

"Decrepit. You've gotta be at least 25."

Kisame couldn't help bursting out in laughter. He had to hold himself still for a moment or risk losing his grip.

"Are you finished?" Sakura inquired archly, her face a frightful picture of impatience though he couldn't see it. He could certainly hear it in the tone of voice.

"Kids these days." He mused, his composure now regained, and resumed the long pull upwards. "Just wait till you're 25 - then we'll see what you've got to say."

Fortunately for the blue skinned missing nin, he did not have to be privy to the dreamy-eyed expression that glazed over her face at that precise moment. _Un_fortunately, the following statements more than made up for it.

"I'm going to be married to Sasuke with 8 kids by then. " She announced gustily. "At least 8. I might have triplets."

"Uchiha brat junior?" Kisame choked on his saliva. Several coughs later he cleared his throat to try and shed some light on that conundrum, "How the hell are you going to have 8 kids by the time you're 25?"

Sakura, who was too busy living in her picket fence world, responded without missing a beat. "Well we're getting married when we're 18 and we'll have to start early - rebuilding the Uchiha bloodline is gonna take some work after all."

Kisame felt something that was suspiciously like his gag flex lurching in the back of his throat. He blinked, shaking himself out of the harrowing mental imagery that followed her pronouncement, and focused on climbing. Or tried.

"So," he drawled, "is he aware of your, uh, plans?"

The white picket fence faltered and her weight seemed to sag a bit against his back. A gusty breath blew, removing a lock of hair that obscured her eyes, and tickled the back of Kisame's neck. "No." She finally said.

"Ah, didn't think so."

"But someday, " She murmured softly, "he'll understand. He'll see….what he means to us."

All of a sudden the atmosphere took a plunge from amusing childish dreaming to something dangerously close to mushy touchy-feely stuff. Kisame felt distinctly uncomfortable. He fidgeted slightly, clearing his abnormally dry throat as he focused on the rope in his hands and the way the rough weave chewed his skin as he held tight.

Mercifully, the girl did not elaborate further. She had gone abnormally quiet, almost oppressive in her silence.

He almost felt bad for her. Almost. It was just too fucking annoying for him to reach that pivotal moment, because of all the kids to pick up - they had to find the pre-teen drama-queen fan girl/wannabe ninja.

At least she'd shut up.

Sakura's resolve lasted to the top of the trench, but just barely. One look at Kisame's infamous partner and she went as rigid as a board. A strangled noise emitted from the pit of her chest, about two seconds before she was launching herself at his throat like a homicidal maniac with a roar that would've made a dragon proud.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, Kisame caught her and dumped her on the ground, which _hurt,_ with a scowl in her direction.

Itachi didn't even have the decency to alter expression at what was, in her mind, a legitimate attempt on his life. In fact, Sakura was convinced he didn't posses expressions at all. Maybe his face was fake, _maybe _it was really a plaster of paris mask - a _really good _one. It's not like anyone had been in the position to find out, or live to tell about it, and she seriously doubted his ever present companion in arms was into face fondling.

He definitely wouldn't be alive today if he was. Unless Itachi had a man fetish.

A look of horror crossed her face.

"Itachi-san…you sure about this?" Speak of the devil. Fish Face cast a dubious glance at the pink haired girl, now climbing to her good leg with short, jerky movements of contained fury. Kind of funny when you considered that she was wobbling around like a one legged chicken.

The other regarded her intensely, "She is the first survivor we have encountered." He replied, a thinly veiled question in his tone. "Would you have us leave her?"

Kisame sighed, leveling his partner with his favorite, 'Yes, actually. I can't believe we've been reduced to this' look and dusted his hands before reaching over and unceremoniously lifting the girl in question off the ground.

"Wha- Hey!" Her shout reverberated off the trench like an exploding tag as she flailed relentlessly over his shoulder. "Put me down!_" _

A sound suspiciously like 'hnn' emerged from her captor's throat.

"_What _was that?" the sudden change in her voice was like glacial ice gliding down his back.

If she were anything but a midget girl not even at puberty yet, he might have been intimidated. As it were, she was a pipsqueak not worth the unsatisfying slaughter it would take to be rid of her.

"Did you say you wanted to be castrated?" She sang out and there was an edge of perverse glee that _did _make him pause. "Maybe your children too, your _children's _children, your _partner-"_

Just ahead Itachi stopped and made a quarter turn. "Perhaps you should let her walk." Was his thinly veiled suggestion.

Kisame shrugged, though it was hard keeping a straight face when someone was punching you repeatedly in the kidneys. And threatening to castrate you, along with all your off spring, which now that he thought about it didn't make a lick of sense, because if he was castrated, he certainly wasn't procreating.

Although perhaps what he should be wondering about is what she meant by 'partner' because he got the strong impression that she was suggesting he was getting it on with Itachi.

"My _god_, do you even _feel _pain?" Sakura grumbled, half way between awe and exasperation.

He dropped her, or tried but she was ready and made a neat landing for one handicapped as she. "I don't have to go with you." She stated warily, back slightly hunched and broken leg raised above the ground behind her slightly.

Kisame and Itachi both just _looked _at her. She was about to topple over.

"_What?_" Sakura challenged. "You think I can't find my way?"

The shark man laughed out right. "Come on, Kid. You think you can get _away?_"

Her hands turned into trembling fists of death. "Are you gonna try and stop me?"

His teeth flashed with that overbearing eager smile, as if he _wanted _her to run just because it would be fun to watch. He probably liked to play with his food before he ate it too, _raw._

Sakura felt her heart sink and shrivel, like someone was wringing it for all its worth. Of all the abominable luck! She was going to file a complaint - this was gender discrimination! _Lady Luck_ obviously wasn't a lesbian.

And Blue Hulking Moron was really starting to freak her out.

"You can go if you wish." Itachi announced suddenly, taking her by surprise. "but you won't get past the rift, if Konoha is your destination."

"What?" The air rushed out of her lungs in a giant expulsion of denial. She tried to laugh, but it sounded half-hysterical. "I can get across some stupid rift. I'm a _ninja_!"

… _with a broken leg._

His eyes never changed as he regarded her with that unnerving air of a teacher humoring a student. "We can show you."

Kisame's brow took a turn for the bewildered as he shot his partner a look.

The other pivoted away dismissively. "Come, Kisame. We have time."

His shoulders sagged with an inaudible sigh as he wordlessly complied. There was no challenging Itachi after all, and the man didn't have gills to worry about, so of course, _they had time. _

_Yeah, fuck you too, Itachi. _

Sakura felt an overwhelming sense of panic as she watched their retreating backs, because she was all of a sudden too afraid to leave the only two living things she'd set eyes on yet, and she could barely walk. Everywhere she looked was choked with a dusty, red brown haze. Grass wilted under foot, trees lay shriveling on the ground, and the ground cracked and splintered like glass.

"H-hey!" She called out anxiously.

They both stopped and turned, looking back at her expectantly, to which she fired an irate glance in the Blue Hulking Moron's general vicinity.

"He-llo! My leg is still broken here_." _Sakura grumbled loudly. "What happened to splinting at the top, huh?"

"Oh yeah." Kisame said, as if the thought had just occurred to him, and stopped.

Asshole.

Itachi fired a look across Fish Face's bow that went unnoticed, but it was distinctly not happy. With a jerk of his head his partner lumbered back to where she stood, muttering to himself things that shall not be repeated loud enough to be heard because the Uchiha would undoubtedly kill him.

Or at least make life very uncomfortable for him over the next few days.

"'Maybe you should let her walk' he says." Grumbled his second in command just out of earshot.

"I could use some water too…" Sakura trailed off as she gazed down at her nails with particular interest. Her brow knitted together as she scraped off a clump of dirt from her thumb - it was goopy. Gross.

A canteen was promptly shoved into her hands. "By all means, _take your time_." Came the snarled sarcasm, "And take this while your at it."

The soldier pill plopped into her palm like a lead weight, at which she stared long and hard. It would dull the pain, to be sure, and boost her body's immunity as well as energy reserves, but the fall out would be tremendous. She took the canteen with relished enthusiasm, however, only to stop at the pivotal moment before the rim touch her lips. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion at her shark-like captor. Then she took a cautious sniff.

"Drink it before I take it back." Kisame ground out.

Sakura resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him and surrendered to her desperate thirst, chugged the entire thing. Hopefully she didn't get sick.

It was totally worth the satisfaction of handing it back to him empty though.

Fish Face put the canteen away, a lingering scowl the only indication that he noticed what she'd done - it was kind of a let down really. "We'll splint your leg back at the base."

Sakura frowned petulantly at the desolate landscape that surrounded them, not at all liking his verdict. There was plenty of natural splinting material scattered across the ground in the way of wood - it looked as if a tree had exploded into tiny pieces - so why they were _waiting_ escaped her. A worry line creased her brow as she gazed down at her leg, but she said nothing.

Kisame turned to her then, rolling his shoulders and neck in preparation for some heavy lifting, "Alright, let's go."

The pink haired one glared, "I'm not being carried around like a sack of potatoes."

"Yeah, yeah." He muttered and knelt down with a flippant gesture for her to climb on, "Just don't get used to it, kid."

Sighing, she lifted herself onto his back and settled there with a hum of relief. Her head was clearing somewhat and she felt the first tingling of energy numbing the pain as Kisame began to move. It was surprisingly comfortable.

She was so going to fall asleep like this, soldier pill or no.

It was hard to breathe out here though, she noted idly - harder than what could be attributed to nerves or shock. The air was muggy and hot in a suffocating sort of way, like a blazing inferno had passed through not long ago and the aftereffects were still lingering.

Which, by all appearances, one had. Sakura felt an uneasiness in her stomach, wrapped around a knot of cold fear. It wasn't the sudden adrenaline pumping kind, but the slow surfacing, paralyzing sort that only the greatest of disasters could evoke.

She was more than happy to fall into a delirious waking dream.

Sakura sprang out of her reverie as soon as she realized her head had become nestled in the crook of Kisame's neck, and straightened with a horrified glance at his very sea-weedy smelling blue hair. Her eyes were quickly drawn past him, however, to the utter devastation that lay beyond. What she saw quickly dashed any hopes she'd been harboring of this day having any sort of positive outcome.

It stretched for miles beyond where fire and smoke obscured her vision - a giant, gaping wound in the ground far too deep to see the bottom and wide enough that the other side was swallowed in the haze of the horizon. It was like the Gods had taken a blade to the earth and tried to cut it in half.

"What…" Sakura voice was scarcely more than a whimper in her throat, "What _happened_?"

She felt the vibration of his body as Kisame laughed a dry, mocking sound, "Meteor, kid."

* * *

They brought her to a wall. It was a very impressive wall, all solid stone and quite smooth. But it was still a wall. Last she checked only one member of the Akatsuki could travel through walls.

Sakura's head sagged to one side with an empty look, "Not much of a hideout."

Itachi ignored her as he stepped forward and executed a series of complicated hand signals. The ground shook as a portion of the wall separated inwards and slid to the side with a groan to reveal a black doorway. She refrained from an ill-advised 'oh'.

Kisame promptly set her down. "Let's get you something to walk with."

She was only too happy to divest herself from his person, which she did in record time, but hopping about on one leg was so not convenient. If she had enough chakra she might be able to mend the bone - _maybe_. Strictly speaking she wasn't supposed to be doing any such thing, but then that was before a meteor had dumped a proverbial in your face bomb on all their heads.

He rooted around for a bit before two acceptable tree limbs were salvaged from a dead tree. Samehada, the giant creepy sword (as Sakura was in the process of dubbing it), was mysteriously produced from Fish Face's robes and he swiftly pared down the wooden pieces to fit her. She was quite pleased with the end result, blurting out an unexpected thank you that was met with an inelegant grunt.

With her makeshift crutches Sakura could maneuver about without too much risk to her injury and hopefully give her some recuperation time before she tried her hand at fixing it. Although it would really help if she had her medical textbooks with her. Nothing like practicing medicine while staring down your nose at it.

Or giant meteors that created impassible rifts in the earth. This really sucked.

Itachi had already disappeared inside and Kisame was one step behind him, sword slung over his shoulder. For one split second Sakura considered making a break for it, but her leg gave out just thinking about it.

"I can't believe this." She muttered as she reluctantly braced her crutches and swung herself into the musty, damp abyss.

It was naturally pitch dark inside and since Kisame had dropped his flashlight, they were all utilizing Itachi's. Three peopled all crammed together in a hall that was about four feet wide, _maybe_, and she handicapped. Sakura had to hover behind them and watch the beam of light as it cast over the passage floor.

They eventually came to a door made out of wood. It was deceptively normal looking. There was also light streaming from underneath it, which was unexpected and almost refreshing - some sign of life at least. As soon as it swung open the smell almost knocked her off her crutches.

Sickness.

Sakura shouldered passed the two men, and may have knocked Kisame across the shin with her stick for good measure, to take a serious look around the room. She found what she was looking for on a cot that was set up by the fireplace. A blond mound of tangled hair was the only distinguishing feature among the bandaged body parts.

It didn't' take a genius to recognize the smell of infection running rampant in him.

Her head turned towards her captors with a question, "What happened to him?"

"Got buried alive." Kisame supplied. "And burned."

Sakura nibbled her lip pensively as she moved towards the cot to take a closer look. Upon doing so she grimaced and turned quickly away, covering her mouth and nose with her hand. Her eyes peeked over at the two man standing by the door still, watching her.

"Have you got any antibiotics or something?"

Kisame looked baffled by the question and Itachi didn't move, but he did answer, to her surprise. "No. We have limited medical supplies here."

She regarded her broken leg with a brooding frown and glanced back at the man on his death bed. A conspiring gleam lit into her eyes and her lips slowly formed a crazy little smile. With care she set down her crutches, cracked her knuckles, and gingerly lowered herself to the floor.

If nothing else, Sakura had found herself a guinea pig to practice on before she attempted to mend herself.

"What are you doing?" It was Kisame that spoke first. He had come to hover over her shoulder as she checked the blonde's temperature.

It was really bad, in her professional opinion.

"Doing an examination, duh." She replied evenly.

"You know any medical jutsu?" He asked then.

"Some." Sakura hedged. "I started learning a couple months."

Kisame snorted. "Well I'd tell you to keep your hands off, but I doubt you could do worse for him at this point."

Sakura was definitely in agreement there. The man was in a fever sleep and dehydrated. She plied a bandage back to inspect underneath and let it fall back in place with a wrinkle of her nose. Her lips thinned, "How much water do you have?"

A hulking blue form stooped into her peripheral vision to retrieve an empty glass from the crate beside the cot and with a quick series of hand seals he upchucked a cup of glistening, clear water.

Sakuar's brow drew together, thoroughly grossed out, if mildly impressed. "Is that _clean?" _She eye-balled the glass with dubious reluctance as he held it out to her.

Kisame favored he with a deeply affronted glance before shoving it into her hands. "Yeah it's clean. Did you think I'd regurgitate water from my own stomach like some idiot?"

"_O_kay." She huffed, rolling her eyes. "You don't have to be such a smartass about it."

"And pass up the opportunity to be annoying?" He snorted. "If you hadn't noticed, we're a little short on entertainment these days."

Her eyes skimmed over him briefly as she sniffed the glass. "It's not seawater is it?'

"No."

"Awesome." She announced happily, before launching directly into a checklist of things for him to retrieve, "He'll need about twice as much as what you've been giving him, and I'm going to need any clean rags, cloth or bandages you've got, a basin of warm water, and whatever medical stuff you do have. Pain killers would be good too."

Kisame shared a silent look with Itachi before disappearing from the immediate room through another door. There were three others that she hadn't noticed until now, too, besides the one they had come in. Whoever had built this had obviously put some time into it.

Sakura was just reaching behind her for her pack when it registered that she no longer had one. Her hand froze. Oh yeah, they hadn't found that, had they?

"_Crap_."

She didn't even notice the shadow that suddenly fell over her - not until it spoke. "What is his prognosis?"

Sakura jumped a little at his sudden proximity, her eyes hardening at his irritatingly calm façade. Dealing with Kisame was one thing, but Itachi…well she supposed if it had been one of her families slaughtered by the shark faced missing-nin she'd probably hate him just as much, but Itachi was much closer to home for obvious reasons.

And he reminded her so damn much of Sasuke that she wanted to cry, because Sasuke was gone, and not because of a meteor. That was a wound of another kind.

"I left my pack." She announced with an irritated scowl. "K-kisame looked for it, but not very far. It has my medical textbooks in it. If I had them I might be able to do something, but…he is pretty bad off."

"Rest." He commanded in a deceptively quiet voice. "I will see about retrieving your pack."

Before she could prepare her scathing retort he was leaving. She stared after his retreating back in bewilderment, hands forgotten where they rested on the edge of the cot. Her eyes blinked a few times and she shook herself, shifting her attention back to her patient with an anxious hum.

His left arm was broken and crudely set using a wooden splint and gauze wrapping, but it sufficed - probably Kisame's handiwork. Most ninja learned basic medical procedures for out in the field. If you couldn't set a bone you learned fast how to.

Mending bones, on the other hand, was way more complicated.

At least she could practice on the blond before attempting it on herself, but she really needed the textbooks to walk her through it first.

The biggest problem were the burns though. Infection would kill him before anything else and you couldn't fight infection with chakra, no matter how skilled the medic. What she could do was cleanse his system and hope that it strengthened him enough to fight back.

Chakra cleansing was one of the first things she learned because it expounded upon the technique that all medics used for medical examinations. Once you mastered the base jutsu for injury detection it was easy to build on it. With a good night's rest she could do it first thing in the morning, if he lived long enough.

Sakura sighed heavily. This was way above her expertise on just about every level. She had barely two months of medical training. Her shishou was one of the three sanin though, so that had to count for something, right?

The pink haired chunin leaned onto her left arm, bracing her broken leg over her good one as she gazed at the cold fire place, her free hand smoothing the dress she wore over her shorts. It was singed and dirty with a huge rip up the front. A shame - it had been so pretty before.

Her eyes settled reluctantly on the sleeping man. His name, she thought, was Dedara, or something like it. Any person could see that he was going to die if left untended. It was true that she couldn't do any worse for him now so maybe this was a stroke of fortune.

Kisame reappeared right then, toting a large basin of steaming water, multiple rags slung over his shoulder, and a small first aid kit tucked under his arm. He set his luggage down wordlessly and promptly knelt to the floor.

"What?" She asked suspiciously as he started fishing around inside his robes for something.

"You want it splinted or not?" He returned irritably. Two lengths of flat wood, probably from some misbegotten chair, an old black training vest, and three strips of cloth were revealed from the mysterious depths of his person.

Sakura twisted around with some care so that her broken leg rested in front of his knees. "Don't tie it too tight."

"If I were going to do something that stupid I'd cut it off at the knee right now and save myself the trouble." Kisame rumbled dispassionately as he tore the ratty vest in two and folded each piece on either side of her calves. He was surprisingly gentle about it.

In a very short time a sturdy splint had been constructed of the materials, tied securely around her calf and ankle with strips of cloth. The missing-nin sat back, hands on his thighs, to admire his handiwork with an oddly critical eye.

Satisfied, he nodded. "How's it feel?" He asked, sliding a finger under the wrappings to make sure it wasn't too snug.

"It's good." Sakura mumbled.

With that Kisame stood and retrieved his sword which was leaning against the wall by the door that lead above ground. Scowling, he fired one last accusing glare over his shoulder at her in parting and disappeared.

She arched a single brow, confused. "Wonder what that was about?" She murmured allowed.

Well, whatever it was he'd get over it. Sakura shrugged and twisted back around to her patient to began the arduous task of undoing bandages.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Yeah, I totally shouldn't be writing this. I feel like an interloper into the Naruto fandom. But since I already had the second chapter basically written for this I'm just going to update it and say to hell with it. I'm supposed to be working on my other stories, but once again life has thrown monkeys with wrenches into my plans - it's chaos. I'm still depressed with the turn out for this. I probably should have listened to my gut and just stayed away from Naruto, no matter how much I enjoy reading it. I just don't have the knowledge to write it.

Alas, I did not listen so here we are.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse**

_Chapter 3_

I would like to profusely thank those of you who have reviewed my story - you are all so awesome and the only reason that I'm still attempting to stagger through this. Much love to you all!_  
_

* * *

It was dark – this was the first thing to enter Sakura's awareness as she stirred from a deeply entrenched state of unconsciousness, otherwise known as sleep. A rough woolen blanket was tucked under her chin, itching. She hated wool. Her head was muggy like she'd been asleep for days, making it hard to recall where she was.

When she tried to draw her legs up to her chest a sudden jolt of pain brought the last 24 hours back into sharp focus.

_Oh, right...the meteor._

Her head fell back with a cushioned thump and she stared up at the endless black with a sense of dread. They'd been hit with a _meteor_. It was hard wrapping her head around the magnitude of something like that. The devastation was…something she really didn't want to think about.

It was a piece of really lame irony that the Akatsuki had managed to survive the disaster. Of all people, _why _them? And then they had the gall to rescue her! Not that she wasn't secretly relieved to still be alive, but still – it was the principle of the thing.

This was probably a guest room of some kind, or maybe a broom closet. She wouldn't put it past them to stick her in some unoccupied corner and call it good, broken leg and all. She was probably lucky to have a cot.

Someone must have brought her here while she slept because the last thing she remembered was re-doing the bandages on what's-his-face. The one with blond hair.

_Crap. _

Sakura sat up sharply and threw aside the blanket, fumbling in the dark for her crutches - they had to be there somewhere. Her wrist bumped something hard and there was a wooden clatter as it hit the floor. She snatched it up and found the second crutch still leaning against the low table, probably a crate of some kind, beside her cot.

It wasn't a very big room- not four paces across and she was already at the door. It had an old rusty handle and it squealed when she pushed it open. The air outside smelled of wet stone and earth, moist and metallic.

A light flickered in the hall from high up on the wall to her left. There was a candelabra set there, the wax almost entirely burned away. She set off that way with a frown of concentration firmly set on her mouth.

The other halls were sparsely lit, as she soon found out when she came to the first intersection. After several tense moments of frustrated deliberation she launched down the gaping maw of darkness that took off to the right. Her crutch sent something rolling with a rattle and a clang, setting her teeth on edge in the process.

Sound reverberated off the walls far louder than was necessary in this place.

Doubt was threading its way into her hobbled steps the farther she went with no indication of an end. She was thoroughly lost through the complex weave of pathways. To make matters worse her stomach was on the verge of eating itself out of desperation, to which her head was pounding from low blood sugar.

A snarl wrenched out of her chest and died in a whimper at the back of her throat as she sagged against the wall of the passage. It was cool to the touch, almost refreshing after that harrowing experience she'd had topside in the blistering heat of natural disaster. But it seemed to sap her energy like a vacuum.

She wanted to laugh bitterly, but it was at that precise moment when she felt something shift against her senses; a chakra signature. Her back went rigid, hackles raised. She knew whose it was not and that was Kisame for his was considerably larger and distinctive in its own right, almost like an ocean wave lapping at the sand (w_here the crap did that come from?)._

Which meant that this was one of the _other _Akatsuki members about to intercept her in a dark hallway with no witnesses.

Apprehension gripped her so tightly she froze up like an otter pop – a green one. She could hear the footsteps now, louder with each sweeping stride. There was no chance of outrunning them in her condition, which left one possibility; waiting.

And waiting some more.

A flicker of light bounced off the wall at the far end of the hall and her heart rate spiked. She could no longer tell where one beat ended and the next began. Her body constricted tightly, as if to make herself appear smaller in that wide open passage with nowhere to hide.

The next flash of light was directly in her face as the shadow emerged from around the corner and summarily stopped. Sakura ducked her head, shielding her face from the light with a wince. Beyond it she could see a bright sheen of silver hair and eyes of an intense, wild nature. It was too dark to tell what color they were, but she didn't have to.

This was the Jashinist priest, Hidan, widely known for his human sacrifices to the God that provided him with unnatural long life.

"Well if it isn't Itachi's fucking pet._" _He bit out waspishly and deliberately shined her in the eyes with his flashlight.

There was an eerie, calculating grace in the way he studied her. It made every inch of her skin tingle with the overwhelming desire to flee. He was surrounded in dark, negative energy that seemed to drain the life from her. She didn't know much about him, but she remembered enough about Jashin to realize that this was quite possibly the worst member of the Akatsuki to bungle into.

And boy had she bungled.

Sakura fought hard against the sudden impulse to back away. He looked like the sort to seize upon that simple movement like a predator is begged to chase a fleeing prey animal. It was hard not to squirm under that fixed stare.

A wide, manic grin split the Jashinist's mouth and he took a calculated step towards her. The action sent her adrenaline through the roof, but she didn't budge. She was pinned to the wall like one of those dried up little bug husks that creepy old men kept in boxes with glass lids.

Her eyes narrowed a fraction, fear lending her courage, and her mouth opened, hoping to stall him if nothing else.

"Play nice, Hidan."

They both started at the voice that drifted lazily from over Hidan's shoulder, the latter swiftly relaxing his stance as he turned to face the interloper.

Sakura could honestly admit right than that she had never been more happy in her life than to see Kisame Hoshigaki come looming out of the darkness. His tone was deceptively cheerful, his gaze anything but friendly. There was a tightness in his posture like a coil taut to spring.

Hidan snorted softly as he stole a fleeting look at the girl, a fierce glint in his eyes, "You her fucking body guard or something?"

"I don't need to remind you what Itachi said." He bared his teeth in an oafish smile as he smoothly stepped between them, his back facing her as he squared himself to the other man.

Sakura inwardly beamed with awesome pride and euphoric relief at having just escaped death by the skin of her teeth. She might actually have to thank Fish Face now.

"Whatever." The Jashinist shrugged his shoulders and turned to go. "I've got better things to do than play nursemaid."

Sakura frowned suspiciously at his back as he disappeared back from where he'd come. When Kisame turned to face her, she raised a dubious brow in question. His expression was unusually serious.

"No leaving your room without supervision." He chastised.

She snorted, "Hidan looks like he'd be more than happy to supervise me somewhere." The tremor in her voice belied the remnants of terror that still stirred in the pit of her belly.

Kisame was not amused and the dangerous timber of his voice as he spoke made that inescapably clear, "Listen here kid, if you value you're life you won't go anywhere without either me or Itachi. We clear?"

"Y-yeah." She answered and glanced back down the hall. "A lot of good it'll do…"

"Could be worse." He replied easily, and then he lowered his face to her level with a lopsided smirk. "You could be dead."

"Yeah…_thanks._" Sakura muttered and shifted away to retrieve her crutches. "Although at this point I don't think I care one flying monkey's crap what happens to me."

"Didn't we already go over this? You don't want to die."

Sakura crossed her arms petulantly. "And just how would you know, oh great prognosticator?"

"I could smell your fear from a mile away." He replied and tapped the side of his nose. "And I'm not that lucky."

Her gaze narrowed dangerously. "Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not a blue fish person!" She shouted angrily, before the former comment caught up with her brain and her eyes summarily widened. "You can _smell _me?"

Kisame glowered briefly, but the flabbergasted expression on her face was simply too amusing to ignore. So, with a firm slap to her shoulder, he said, "I'll let you know when that time of the month is coming, don't worry."

She must have looked quite ill for the Blue Hulking Moron actually paused for a second like he might be concerned. For her part, she had about three trains of thought moving at high speeds through her brain on a collision course of outstanding and catastrophic proportions.

One, her period. Two, she had no pads or tampons, and certainly no shop around the corner to go pick some up at. And three, Hoshigaki Kisame could smell menstrual blood, which had to rate within the top three of the most disturbing things she'd ever heard or witnessed in her life - watching Naruto sneeze ramen noodles out his nose was still number one.

"Oh kami." Sakura whispered hoarsely and had to brace herself against the wall before she collapsed. Her hands had begun to shake uncontrollably. "This can't be happening. This can't be _happening!_"

This whole meteor business was really starting to freak her out.

Kisame may have been about to speak, she hadn't really noticed, but whatever he was about to say was immediately plowed over by a panicked string of vicious cursing as Sakura remembered why she'd been wandering the halls in the first place. She set off briskly, forgetting the blue skinned missing-nin was even there, and tripped none too elegantly over a rock. Her highly honed reflexes were all that saved her from face planting on the passage floor and then she was on the move again.

She had a dying patient to see to and nothing else mattered, periods be _damned_.

"What are you doing wandering the halls in the dark for anyway?" Kisame finally asked, his light flashing in front of her now as he easily caught up with her on his longer, undamaged legs.

"Probably because no one gave me a flashlight." She responded acerbically and swung around a rock conspicuously stationed in the middle of the hall - that couldn't be an accident.

Kisame cast an amused glance at the top of her head, "You must not have looked very hard - there's one on the table by your cot."

Sakura stopped. Well, she hadn't looked very _hard, _no _- _scratch that, she hadn't looked at all. A howl of frustration wracked the underground hideout and she ground her teeth. "Well you've got one so I don't need mine."

She resumed swinging merrily along on her makeshift crutches, the shadow of a v cut along the middle of her forehead.

"It's pretty late." He said. "You should probably rest."

Sakura's head whirled around with a murderous glare. "What am I, a 5 year old?" She snapped and averted her attention stoutly ahead. "It's not like there's any sense of time in this place anyway."

Kisame shrugged. "Suit yourself."

"What are _you _doing up if it's so late?" Sakura decided to ask with a pointed look in his vicinity. She had to crane her neck a lot to actually see his face. His immense height was slightly unnerving and especially pronounced in the narrow hall - he was very close to bumping his head on the ceiling.

He shrugged, not saying anything.

"_Do _you sleep?" She pressed on unabashedly. He was rather weird, although - and she'd die before she'd admit it - he looked kind of cool when he wasn't trying to dismember or rip out your entrails.

Gross. But yeah, not entirely scary.

"Everyone sleeps." He returned with an 'are you serious?' look. "I just like to stay up late."

"Well why not just say so instead of the whole mysterious 'I'm not gonna tell you' crap?" Sakura grumbled. She needed to hit something. Bad.

He paused for a millisecond before shrugging again. "This is more fun."

She caught just a flash of his teeth and felt her hands clench around her crutches. For a second she thought she heard a creak of protest from the wood. "You're kind of annoying." She declared and swept onward.

It never once occurred to her just who she was talking to. That she was holding a conversation at all with the infamous hidden mist deserter was bizarre enough that everything had a light sheen of surreal to it. She had always thought the idea of confusing reality with a dream to be kind of stupid, having a very firm grasp of it herself, but she was beginning to understand the circumstance. Everything had changed so dramatically in such a short span of time that the reality of it hadn't quite sunk in.

"You're not so bad yourself in that department." Kisame remarked and there was that cheeky smile that she'd give anything to wipe off, if only for a second. He was almost as creepy as Gai - they probably had more in common than either man would care to admit.

"Why'd you bring me here if I'm so annoying then?"

"It wasn't my idea. Personally I'd have left you in the trench, but that's not up to me."

He said it so conversationally, as if he hadn't just told her he'd have left her to die and didn't mind, which was just plain mean. It shouldn't have surprised her and it definitely shouldn't have bothered her, because let's face it, he was a criminal that liked killing people. But he was also her only pseudo-potential friend in this twisted state of existence they found themselves in.

"Oh." She tried to suppress the disappointment in her voice, but failed miserably. She _had _no friends - maybe it was best that she just accept that simple fact and move on.

The shark-faced man frowned slightly, "Well I'm not going to kill you now. There'd be no sense in that after all the trouble I went through to get you back here alive."

If she didn't know better she'd say that Kisame was attempting to be nice.

"So," Sakura hesitated, staring down at her feet despondently as she moved. A lump formed in her throat. "You're just going to keep me here and go on hunting my friend like everything is _peachy, _ruining what's left of my meager life andthe rest of the world?"

"Well," He hedged, bringing a hand up to scratch behind his neck, "we don't even know if the kid is still ali-"

He wasn't quite sure how it happened, but Kisame found himself slammed against the wall of the passage with a throbbing jaw and a lump on the back of his head the size of a goose egg from where his skull had cracked against the stone wall. A few dizzy seconds passed and he shook himself clear, blinking down at the waif of a child that had just decked him good - on _crutches._

_Damn kids. I'm too old for this shit._

"Shut up!" Her hands clenched in anger, but she staggered off balance from the punch. "You don't know that - don't you dare say it!"

Kisame sighed, massaging his aching jaw as he pushed away from the wall. "You know, you might want to consider preparing yourself for that eventuality kid. You've seen topside yourself."

Sakura fought the overpowering urge to go for his throat and eventually won. It was a miracle she'd landed the first shot. No way would she get a second.

But she was totally going to remember this for gloating purposes later.

"I am _not _a kid." She forced through clenched teeth and turned away miserably. "Which way is…uh…that room I was in, with Deidara?"

"Keep going." He directed. "Although what an apprentice squirt like you is going to do I can't figure."

Sakura inhaled sharply through her nose and clattered around another corner. To her infinite relief, there was a door ahead. She knew because of the light leaking out from the uneven spaces between the bottom of door and the floor.

For some reason, Kisame's statement left her feeling solemn and unhappy. Deidara wasn't exactly a _good guy_, but that wasn't the point. She wondered if he felt alone, lying on that cot among people who didn't care about his fate, herself included.

What would it be like to die that way?

Kisame had maneuvered passed her to open the door and let her through. Her eyes watered and her throat constricted as the smell of sickness hit her fully .

"I have to try…." She muttered and made her way to the cot. His skin was flaccid and pale, but he still breathed. "If I can fix his arm then maybe I can fix my leg so I can walk."

It was a moment before she noticed the ratty green back pack leaning against the door to topside. She immediately looked at Kisame. "You found it?" She asked and hobbled over to inspect it.

The blue skinned man grunted as he flopped himself on a couch that coughed up plumes of dust, set against the far wall no doubt to keep a safe distance from the sick man. He picked up a magazine and proceeded to ignore her, but she had all the answer she needed. Sakura was positively brimming with satisfaction.

* * *

Kisame was irritated. He was always irritated when cooped up indoors, but Itachi had managed to hone his impatience into something half-way resembling reasonable. He was practically a saint by Akatsuki standards, but it didn't change the fact that he was not happy.

Baby-sitting duty was not fitting of a shin obi of his caliber. None of this shit was. He could admit to himself that everyone was probably a little on edge lately - meteors had a way of doing that to you - but he was irrationally pissed off today.

Maybe it was the sudden blast of reality that had ruined all their plans and reduced them to a bunch of sniveling kittens caught out in a thunderstorm; aka, thoroughly _fucked_. Or maybe it was just that he had a pink haired brat permanently tethered to him.

And did he mention that Hidan was a fucking tool-shed? As if one child wasn't enough – now he had to watch two.

The distinct smell of saline on the air drew his attention sharply back to the present, followed by a sound that sent terror through every pore of his being; sniffling. He sighed, lowering the magazine to peer over the top at the pink haired brat with no small amount of reservation.

His brow furrowed in bewilderment.

It was common knowledge to him that girls tended to go off emotionally at the slightest provocation – the younger they were, the more potent the breakdown, but this had to be the first time he'd seen one burst into tears over a bottle of vitamin D tablets. The way she was strangling it in her hands he half expected it would burst into pieces.

He groaned inwardly, setting the magazine aside in resignation and cleared his throat. How did one start a conversation with a bawling kid anyway?

Sakura saved him the trouble by jerking at the sound and wiping her face hastily with an affronted glance in his direction, "_What_?"

Kisame ground his teeth and prayed to whatever Gods that might still be alive that he be granted patience lest something unfortunate happen.

Her eyes took on a glossy, faraway glint, the bottle of vitamin D tablets held against her chest reverently. She sniffed again, sighing. "Ino put them in my pack as a joke. Three bottles of them. Said I needed to 'brighten up' my disposition." A harsh laugh. "How stupid..."

Kisame shifted in his seat, the desire to flee growing as the atmosphere turned down a dark road of emotional upheaval. He avoided situations like this because they made him uncomfortable. His only solution was generally to silence the person in question, permanently, but that wasn't possible.

_Ah shit..._

Sakura didn't look at him. He doubted she would see him even if she did. A part of him understood what that felt like, because he did the same when he sat alone in his room and wondered at the fragile state of the world, but he didn't want to be reminded of that right now.

Kisame was a man of action, not philosophy.

"What are they for?" He found himself asking.

Her face cleared and she faced him with bewildered scowl, "Geeze, do they teach you guys anything around here?" She groused, but her voice suddenly took on a professional lilt as she continued, "It's an essential ingredient to our body's survival. We all absorb vitamin D from the sun normally, but…"

There wasn't going to be a sun for a long while, he filled in silently. Ino was obviously someone close to her and the irony was not lost on him. He supposed, after some thought, that she had reason to be upset under the circumstances.

Sakura was trying hard not to burst into tears again, in front of Fish Face no less. All she could see were bright green eyes and blonde hair. The man lying on the cot next to her wasn't helping her forget.

"She might be alive."

"Yeah." She murmured listlessly. "Maybe."

But she knew better.

Kisame debated what to do and settled on attempting to read Deidara's precious kunoichi monthly again. He still hadn't got passed the first three words in the introductory paragraph about the cover photo.

The girl watched him for another minute before hunching over the giant book she'd hauled out of her bag with a tenacity that was admirable for one so diminutive. She was very methodical as she went through her supplies, plucking out various items and administering them with hands that had a distinct tremor. Her face was scrunched in concentration, but she never wavered as she scrambled feverishly about.

It was like watching someone trying to deactivate a bomb.

Sometimes she'd bite down on her bottom lip and chew vigorously, usually when she was waiting for something to happen. After that she would either rush back to the book, flipping through pages in a panic, or her face would lighten and she'd make a funny exclamation that Kisame took to indicate success.

That she was even trying impressed him. The kid had guts, there was no denying that. He wasn't sure he could say that he wouldn't be heaving his out all over the floor in her place. Burning flesh did not amuse him – water was a far more noble way to die by.

He sat back with a sigh; it was going to be a long night.

* * *

Sakura worked for hours. Somehow she'd gone from trying to mend a single bone to a full-blown rescue operation. Every time progress was made she was beset with double the set backs. Burns were _hard,_ but desperation had taken a firm grip on her and there was no going back now.

All she could say for herself was that she was starved, thirsty and tired, and Deidara was hanging to life by a very small tether.

But his arm was no longer broken.

It wasn't until she woke to a firm shake that her head snapped up from where it had sagged against her hand, elbow propped on the cot. She blinked up at the hazy blue figure standing above her and groaned as the stinger in her neck roared back to life.

"Take a break, Kid." Kisame said. Then he handed her a plate of rice balls.

Sakura forgot everything else in those blissful moments of ravenous hunger as she proceeded to devour them. She couldn't say whether they were good or not and it wouldn't have mattered to her either way.

"Don't forget to chew." Fish Face snickered.

When she was finished her stomach was mildly slated, but not filled. It did lend her enough strength to get up though, which she did on one shaking leg. "You have any water?"

"Come on." Kisame nodded towards one of the doors in the room she'd not yet been through. Presumably there was a kitchen somewhere.

The door led into a three way hall. They kept going straight and quickly came to a second door, behind which was the kitchen she'd been looking for, and two more doors; one leading left, the other right.

A lantern hung from the ceiling, pooling light on a wooden picnic table set in the center of the room. There was a fridge in one corner and cupboards in all the other, as well as two sinks against the far wall. It would be a crowded room with all the Akatsuki members gathered in it.

Sakura sat down on the bench and slumped forward, resting her head on her arms. She figured that most of the amenities didn't work so she was genuinely surprised when Fish Face turned the tap and water gushed out. He filled a glass and handed it to her.

Her brow arched, "No regurgitation?"

Kisame shook his head, "Not if I don't have to."

"Why'd you do it before then?"

"To freak you out." He answered with a toothy grin before turning swiftly away to dive into the fridge.

The pink haired kunoichi stretched out of her seat at the table to peer around him into the gloomy dark that was the fridge's innards. She could make out miscellaneous lumps and that was about it. The air emanating from it was actually cool however.

"How's it cold?" She asked.

"Scroll from the land of Snow."

"You used a _scroll?_" Sakura stared incredulously at the fridge.

Kisame turned at her blankly, "Yeah, you know...snow?" To make his point he reached inside and retrieved a hand full of the stuff. It made a perfect white ball.

Next thing she knew she had a face full of freezing, numbing cold. She jerked off the bench, tripped, and toppled over. Her bad leg jarred against the table top and she cried out as she crashed to the floor.

"Whoops." Strong hands lifted her up under the shoulders, righting her on the seat once more.

Her watering eyes scoured a path from his navel to his face, the remnants of bitter cold melting down her face in rivulets. A throbbing ache had started in her leg. "You-you big blue _bastard!_ What was that for?"

Kisame's eyes narrowed sharply as he jerked her forward by the collar of her dress, "You punched me in the face. I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I haven't fed you to Hidan in pieces."

Sakura swallowed hard around a look of pure disgust, "That is so gross." She gave him a sidelong look, "He doesn't actually _eat _the sacrifices, does he?"

Fish Face let out a bark of laughter and shook his head, "No, that's Zetsu's cup of tea."

"Zetsu?" Her voice shrank a little.

"Yeah, the half white, half black dude with the fly trap around his neck?"

Sakura gulped, "Is he...that is did he-"

"Survive? Yeah." Kisame finished easily. Then, noting the rather green pallor underneath that bright mop of pink, added, "He's not going to eat you."

She did not appear convinced the way her eyes kept flickering towards the door. "Can't he move through walls and stuff?"

Kisame shrugged, "Sure...but he won't do anything - Itachi told him not to."

"But Itachi's not your leader." Sakura maintained and her hands began to fidget with the hem of her mostly demolished skirt. "Why would anyone listen to him?"

Okay, that was getting a little too close to classified information. "Trust me," He muttered, "They'll listen."

"I don't know..."

"I brought you here, didn't I? If we weren't listening to him do you think I would've hauled your scrawny ass all the way back?" Kisame questioned pointedly.

Her mouth twisted and she crossed her arms protectively over her chest, hunching down. "Maybe...but you're his partner – you always do what he says."

_What the fuck was that supposed to mean? _

Fish Face glowered back at her. He bit back a grimace, only because she was _right _and the fact that she noticed was seriously bruising his ego.

"Well you do." She griped and looked away petulantly.

Kisame grunted, "It is customary to defer to one's betters, yes? I can take Fly Trap if he gives you any trouble."

"What? You gonna sit outside my _room_?" Sakura retorted sourly. "He could just pop out of nowhere and BAM_, _I'm plant food. _Ugh_- eaten by a giant _fly trap_. How ninja-y is that?"

"_Yes_." He gritted out in annoyance. "And not very." Then he looked at her, exasperation lending some extra whiteness to his eyes, "Don't you have a patient to worry about?"

"You told me to rest," She complained, though she was thankful for the break away from the sick room. It kind of creeped her out that she'd actually gotten used to the smell – she was not looking forward to going back to it now.

"So how is he?" Kisame inquired after a moment.

"I fixed his arm!" Sakura announced happily, "I'm _so _awesome."

"Huh." He gestured to her leg, "You gonna fix that then?"

Her shoulders sagged so far forward he half expected them to touch. She fixed the wall behind him with a flat stare that seemed chiseled of stone.

"Why the long face?" Kisame nudged her good leg with his toe.

Sakure lifted her head to glare at him, "It's not that simple when you're working on yourself." She explained gloomily. "Things go...wrong."

There was a shuffle of feet and a swish of robes and then he was sitting down beside her, elbows braced on his knees. "Look at it this way, Kid – what have you got to lose?" And he looked at her seriously, no weird smiles or laughing eyes.

She bit the inside of her cheek, "Yeah...maybe."

"Get on with it then."

Sakura wrinkled her nose, "I don't know...I might need more rest."

Kisame snorted, "You napped for the better part of an hour back there."

Her head shot up, eyes wide and accusing, "An _hour? _Why didn't you wake me up!"

"Uh..." Fish Face scratched his jaw and gazed up at the ceiling. He glanced back at her somewhat sheepishly, "Well I kept thinking your head was going to fall at some point and then you'd hit your face on the edge of the cot."

The girl's eyes became narrow slits of death as her small fists shook with fury. Kisame had to fight the inclination to taunt her further. She really had no concept of how to channel that temper of hers. Her fuse could stand to learn a few things from Itachi, come to think of it.

Or, if she learned to harness that anger for something more practical, like raw strength.

Almost as suddenly as the anger had surfaced her back straightened and she looked down at her leg with a fierce edge of determination. Her nostrils flared as she fired a glancing glare off his bow. She swiveled around on her seat and started to lift her broken leg up to brace on the bench when Kisame intercepted it.

"Let me do that."He said and he managed not to cause her excruciating pain in the process. He positioned her wounded appendage with swift ease, "The set is good. You just have to fill in the gaps."

She snorted dubiously. "Yeah..._right_." But she was ready and the hard line across her brow said as much. "If this goes bad I'm blaming you."

"By all means." He met her gaze with a flash of very sharp, very white teeth.

* * *

Itachi arrived just in time to watch the girl with ridiculously pink hair slump off the bench seat and into Kisame's ready arms. The tall man plucked her up like she weighed nothing, which she didn't really, half way between child and woman as she was. When the blue skinned one turned and found himself face to face with his partner, he in such a..._compromising_ position, it took every ounce of his control not to flinch.

"How is she?" The Uchiha inquired in a hushed tone.

"She'll be fine." Kisame returned dismissively and peered down at her leg. "I think she mended it pretty good."

His partner gave a brisk nod, "Good." and moved passed the two with a simple grace that would make a dancer green with envy. "Zetsu has returned. Pein and Konan are both dead."

He'd been expecting that. "Tobi?"

Itachi's gaze slide back to him sharply. "He lives."

Kisame frowned slightly, wondering at the vaguely unnerving look in the Uchiha's eyes that only seemed to surface when something inherently bad was about to happen, _again_. Then he shrugged and proceeded down the hall, toting his charge with a scowl as she began to snore softly.

* * *

**Author's Notes: ** Maybe by the time I'm through with this (if I ever get through it) I'll have figured out the timeline. But probably not.

I don't know if I'm mentioned this before, but I'm an obsessive compulsive person that switches from one thing to the next at the drop of a hat. So, one minute I'm all about Final Fantasy VII and the next I'm a Naruto addict. It depends on my moods what I can write, or what I'm inspired to write. Right now...I'm fumbling through this with mixed feelings.

Err, a few words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I'm desperate!


	4. Chapter 4

**A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse **

_Chapter 4_

_Long time no see.  
_

* * *

Kisame had learned from experience that it was best to use diplomacy when appealing to the elder Uchiha's better judgment. To suggest that Itachi's decision making capabilities might be compromised was tantamount to suicide, or at least a generous maiming. In fact, the smartest thing to do would be to keep his mouth shut.

"No offense Itachi, but what in the fuck are you doing?"

Well, he wasn't known for his outstanding intellect; he just killed shit.

The dark haired man turned his head to look at him for all the world as if this were a vacation they were having and not a calamity of catastrophic proportions. There were men with balls of steel, and there was Itachi. His were not of this world.

_Maybe that's why he's so damn perky,_ Kisame thought absently. But just thinking about meteors and their relation to his partners nut sack gave him the willies.

"She may prove useful as a healer." Itachi closed his eyes, fingers laced together over his chest. Kisame had yet to determine whether this was some bizarre meditation ritual or the Uchiha's boredom. On the really bad day's he thought he might even be talking in his sleep.

"She's untrained," the blue skinned missing nin griped.

Itachi's face was like one of those porcelain dolls that never _moved_. All smooth and perfect, and eerie. "Her chakra control is admirable. She has mended two bones without instruction."

Kisame resisted the urge to growl in frustration. There was enough tension and drama roiling around in this place without him adding any incentives. His partner, though younger than him, always managed to make him feel foolish when he lost his temper so he'd spent many hours honing his anger for more practical things, like killing. And very rough sex.

"Hidan will eat her alive." He continued with less conviction. There was no winning this debate. The girl was there to stay.

His partner gazed up at the ceiling, "Has he taken up eating his sacrifices now?"

That was the second time today he'd stepped into that one. Kisame's head fell back against the door frame with a dull thud, "Not that I know of, but you know what I meant."

"Yes. It begs the question of why you are here now."

"What? The kid? She's asleep." He made a dismissive gesture with his hand, "I made sure he couldn't get in – He won't admit it, but Hidan is scared shitless of water."

Itachi's mouth twitched. Then he was on his feet, "Be that as it may, we should keep careful watch on her. Zetsu will not have had...easy prey, under present circumstances."

A sigh escaped and Kisame unfurled his arms, "Of course, Itachi-san." _So much for having all your little pets in a row..._

"We will have to ration our supplies soon as well."

"And now we have an extra mouth to feed." Kisame muttered.

"An extra mouth that has more skill practical to our present situation than any of us." Ithachi looked at him from across the room and his eyes were oddly harsh in the dim light, "See to it that she remains unharmed, Kisame. I'd rather not take chances when all our lives are at stake."

Kisame could feel his mind going blank in panic with that ominous declaration. The lines of certainty he once knew had become so blurred that there was no distinction between enemy and friend. It was going to get worse too – he felt it in his bones like the deep rooted ache he got in his left knee on a particularly cool, wet day.

"I'll get right on that..." He said and stepped out into the hall. "Kid's probably tampering with my barrier as we speak."

True to form she was there standing on the threshold of her doorway with her mouth twisted in a frown as she gazed at the prism of water between her and relative freedom. Her eyes glinted as she caught sight of him entering the hall and narrowed subsequently.

"What the hell is this Fish Face?" She demanded and jabbed a finger at his contraption. Her face pinched as the water touched and she recoiled her hand, shaking it off with an affronted scowl.

"You can walk through it." Kisame replied. "But I'd hold my breath if I were you."

"I'd get wet." Sakura complained, but she considered the barrier long and hard. False bravado was almost enough to hurl her through it despite him, but not quite. When she looked at him a second time it was with a shiver of apprehension, "You're not going to make me walk through this every time I have to get in and out of my room?"

"You know, that's not a bad idea," He said and looked utterly pleased with himself, "I think I _will _keep it there now that you mention it."

Her hands balled into fists at her sides and there was murder written all over her face, but she didn't budge. "Well can you at least tell me _why_?"

_Hell no_, came to mind. "Because it amuses me."

Her arms were quavering as she glared at him. He thought she might stomp her foot in rage, which would've been hilarious, so he was mildly disappointed when she didn't. A rare moment of maturity rescued her from that certain mortification.

"You're such a bastard!" Sakura howled and threw herself into the prism, flailing her arms in furious circles as she waded through towards him. When she emerged on the other side dripping and cold she pointed an ominous finger at his chest, "I want a set of dry towels in my room."

"Not my prob—ow!"

Kisame gripped his arm, gasping in surprise as the bicep seized up in a vicious cramp from where her knuckle had struck. He breathed in sharply, massaging the muscle with quick, desperate motions. The smug look that draped her face as she bounced on the balls of her feet made him snarl.

"Towels." She reiterated in a tone unfitting one without the upper hand.

"I have half a mind to feed you to Zetsu myself." He snapped, allowing a small sigh of relief as the ache ebbed away. "You'd like that, would you?"

"No!" Sakura choked on a sob and then she _did _stomp her feet, repeatedly, and an ear splitting wail nearly made him deaf. "You're so stupid! More people die of hypothermia from being wet than from severe cold temperatures! Are you _trying _to kill me?"

"The thought has occurred to me, yes." Kisame agreed languidly.

"_Fine_." The girl spread her arms with a jerk and let them fall to her sides uselessly. She waited like that with a red nose and leaky eyes, "What are you waiting for? It's not like I'm going anywhere."

He stared at her, waiting her out. It was pointless really, all the threats. He probably _would _be doing her a favor, and Kisame Hoshigaki didn't do favors. So killing her really was out of the question. How disappointing.

Her resolve was breaking the longer he stood there doing nothing and finally she grumbled something unintelligible and moved passed him. That was when he noticed the limp.

"How's the leg?"

Her shoulders bunched together and she kept walking, the hitch in her stride even more pronounced now that he was looking for it. "I botched it up." It was snappish and bitter.

Kisame frowned curiously as he turned to walk after her. The candelabra afforded little enough light to see though and he flicked on his flashlight to take a better look as he came up behind her. She heard him coming and stopped, staring off into the dark expanse of tunnel that spread before her.

"What's wrong with it?" He asked.

For a moment she didn't respond. Then she blinked and her eyes glistened a little too much, gazing down reluctantly at the injured leg as if the answer was there somewhere. "It's crooked." She muttered and slid her foot out for him to see.

Kisame was surprised that it was slightly kinked, as she said. A scowl deepened the shadows around his eyes. "That doesn't make sense. The set was perfect."

"I didn't say it was your fault." Sakura managed through gritted teeth and resumed hobbling down the passage.

The fish faced one blinked in bewilderment, but he chased after her still, unrelenting. "That doesn't explain to me how a perfectly straight set suddenly went crooked."

"I don't know!" She whirled around angrily, "Sometimes...sometimes you can warp bone with chakra if you're not careful. I screwed it up, that's all."

"Well can you fix it?"

A bitter laugh answered him as she set off again. "I'd probably make it worse if I tried. But I don't think you can anyway. I'd have to break it again."

"So what, you walk around with a limp for the rest of your life?"

"Yeah."

He frowned, but she didn't notice because she was ahead of him. Unsure of why it bothered him so much he resumed following, a shadow cast over his face. For a kid – hell, for a _girl -_ she seemed to be taking it pretty well.

For a ninja she was taking it like a champ.

"You okay?" Kisame blurted out.

Sakura hesitated for just a step, "I'm fine." Then she quickened pace so that he couldn't see her face. They were headed for the Common room, where Deidara slept fitfully.

When they arrived the kid was pale as death and you couldn't tell if his chest moved. For a brief moment Kisame thought he was dead and by the look on the girl's face she did too. A pained sound choked out of her and she burst into an awkward run, collapsing beside the cot as she reached out to take his pulse. Her face softened immediately.

Not dead yet.

Kisame waited there for a few seconds before the smell of decay and death drove him away. Though his mood had been effectively put off, his hunger had not. He'd yet to find anything that put him off food on an empty stomach so he made for the kitchen. The girl might not feel like eating, but she was going to anyway. They had plenty of rice if nothing else and he knew how to make a rice ball. It wasn't crab, but it would do.

It was a good hour later before he returned to fetch the girl. She didn't seem to hear him as he entered so feverishly at work she was with brow tightly furrowed as beads of perspiration trickled along the creases of her forehead. Her hands hovered above Deidara's chest, straining with pale green glow of a medic. He watched for a bit, waiting for a spell when he could interrupt, until it was clear that none was forthcoming.

She'd work herself beyond exhaustion at the rate she was going. There was an edge of desperation in the way her shoulders bunched up around her neck as she worked. Her lower lip was sucked in between her teeth. When the jutsu was complete she sagged back, arms falling limp at her sides. Moister pooled in her eyes.

"He's going to die."

Kisame hesitated as he glanced between the girl and the young man who'd been an acquaintance for a while now. He didn't really know him and he wasn't in the habit of getting mushy over death – that shit happened in their line of work. If you didn't get used to it you weren't a ninja for very long. But this was something else and she was just a kid with a lot more concern for the boy on the cot than anyone in the entire base had ever had.

That was just a little backwards to him.

"We've all got it coming. Some sooner than others."

Sakura whirled on him, her face contorted in a vicious snarl. "My Shishou could save him!" She raged and twisted the torn hem of her skirt in her hands. "_I _should be able to save him, but I'm too worthless even for that."

Kisame pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and sighed_. _"Listen kid, you live and you learn, or you die. Yeah, you don't know shit right now, but you'll remember what that felt like and you won't let it happen again."

A sound suspiciously akin to a sniffle tickled his ear and he bit back a cringe. The girl didn't move or speak for a long while and for all practical purposes seemed to be ignoring him completely. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"I have to keep trying." She spoke barely above a whisper, eyes so intense it made him jump.

Kisame frowned as the kid sat up again, bending to the left as her index finger skimmed the text of her medical book. Then he had her by the back of her pink uniform and was hoisting her roughly to her feet, which earned him a satisfying squawk. "Eat first."

"I'm not hungry!" She flailed mightily as he half carried, half dragged her to the couch.

"I don't care. Eat." He plopped her down and shoved a plate of riceballs into her lap. When she made no move to take it, his eyes took on a menacing glint, "_Now._"

She glared at him, arms crossed defiantly over her diminutive chest, and contemplated giving him the finger. When his lip curled to reveal those very sharp teeth she fidgeted just a little. Her resolve promptly deflated and she snatched the plate from him, immediately standing up. "Fine, but I am NOT eating in here."

Kisame followed her back to the kitchen, reveling in his victory with a sanctimonious grin that she studiously avoided. The girl ate mechanically and fast. Then she was coughing and spraying rice everywhere.

"Fucking hell, Kid." The Fish man roared, dodging out of the line of fire. He overbalanced in the effort to avoid the spray and crashed to the floor in a heap of cursing. His head popped back up, hair thoroughly disheveled and eyes murderous.

Sakura jabbed her chopsticks at him and laughed.

"What's so damn funny?" He demanded, seating himself with the tattered remains of his dignity. He twisted around, looking up and down his cloak for the source of her amusement and found nothing. The girl was holding her sides now, gasping for air between each guffaw.

Kisame seethed. He was going to strangle the life out of her, right there, right now. As soon as he reared out of his seat the girl squeaked and sat up like she had read his thoughts.

"It's in your hair!"

One pale gray hand reached up gingerly to sift through his dark blue mop and stopped at the clump of rice that was lodged there on the right side of his head. He pulled it out with a look of mild disgust and threw it aside.

Sakura was watching him with a tightly held smile as she munched on her third rice ball when the fourth was suddenly and swiftly swiped from her plate. Her eyes grew large for one split second before said rice ball exploded in her face. She sputtered in rage, grains scattered across her face, up her _nose_, and down her shirt as she bolted to her feet. The partially eaten rice ball in her hand flew blindly across the room, missing him completely, and disintegrated against a cabinet.

Kisame snickered.

"Kami, you're worse than Naruto!" She cried, wiping rice from her face and flicking it from her fingers. "Don't you have something better to do?"

"I wish I did." He muttered.

"Go...hack at a dead tree or something!" Sakura waved dramatically at the wall. "Wait, there aren't any trees, are there?" Her face fell. "Damn it."

The Shark man grunted, "True that."

"So where's everybody else?" She suddenly asked, a tentative look on her face.

Kisame glanced back at her, his instinct that of suspicion until he realized how ludicrous that was under the circumstances. She was no spy to reveal their secrets to the enemy. Her village was likely another crater on the land among many others, including their own.

"A mountain collapsed on Pein and Konan. The rest still live to varying degrees." He shrugged. "Stitches has been mending himself for the past few days – he looked pretty shitty when we dug him out."

The girl studied the wood grain of the table intently. "What happens when Hidan runs out of things to...uh...sacrifice?"

A palpable silence filled the room. Then a light scuff of a sandals across the floor and a gush of air against the back of her neck as he swept past her with a casual, "Things around here get a lot more exciting."

Sakura felt fear clenching in her stomach, so much that it hurt. The door shut with a soft click behind the mist nin, eliciting a flinch from the girl seated at the bench. Her head shifted infinitesimally towards where he'd gone, listening for receding footsteps. It was a stupid gesture she thought, since he was supposed to be her protector so how far could he go? The next room?

The young leaf ninja made a face, forehead scrunched, and she stabbed her blunted thumb nail into the wood table top. Her teeth gritted as she carved the surface with a jagged line that followed the grain despite her best efforts not to. She stopped, letting her hand slide into her lap.

"This is stupid." She grumbled. "Not like it matters if he did kill me. Everybody is probably dead."

Her heart felt hollow as she stood, a raw ache in her leg that she feared would never leave. Resolve hardened her steps as she walked though, for she was nothing if not stubborn. Ninja's didn't just sprout out of the ground knowing the jutsus that books and instructors taught. At one time they were as blind as she, but they found a way.

She would just have to find it again. Deidara could be saved – would be – if it was the only worthwhile thing she did. It's not like she had something else to do in this dark and depressed place.

Kisame was flopped out on the couch when she arrived, and that wasn't an exaggeration. Face down, one arm dangling to the floor and the other tucked under his chin, long legs draped across the oppose arm rest. She was assailed by similar images of a blond haired boy with whisker marks on his cheeks and felt a sudden swelling of grief in her chest that threatened to break her resolve.

"Like a fricken cat." Sakura muttered and went to Deidara's cot. She didn't notice the eye that parted to squint at her retreating back.

* * *

The couch smelled like a combination of mildew and something else that Kisame hadn't quite put a finger to. It was sour and cloying whatever it was – a wholly unpleasant scent to inhale repeatedly while trying to sleep. It may have had something to do with the man dying by the fireplace.

Dust curled around his breath as he exhaled in a groan. He had caught a few winks, but not more than an hour and his back had something to say about his chosen position. It gave a muted pop of protest as he shifted onto his side, watching the girl who still worked with a feverish intensity that would've made most men collapse in exhaustion. There was a certainty about her that hadn't been there before.

"He dead yet?" The shark faced one so loved to goad her.

"No." Not even a twitch, her tone clipped and focused.

Curiosity piqued, Kisame rose from the couch with a fluidity that did the girl's earlier observation justice and approached silently from behind. There wasn't much light in the room to cast shadows, but he did an admirable job of looming over her, which she ignored. Given the war she had waged on the young man's infection the shark faced one was not terribly shocked.

The color in the boy's face though – that made him double take. "He looks better."

Her mouth framed a grimace that might have been an attempt at a smile had she not been so distracted. Whatever she was doing, it was finally working. Even the boy's breathing was stronger.

Shrugging, Kisame returned to the couch, frowned at it, and sat down with a sigh. Well this was just aggravatingly tedious. What was he supposed to do for the next who knows how many hours while the kid worked herself to death? On the bright side if she did die he wouldn't have to baby sit anymore.

His impending boredom was saved by the arrival of everyone's favorite seamstress looking especially peeved. A mask covered the lower half of his face once more, whether to hide his gruesome visage or filter out the dust mites Kisame didn't know. Kakuzu looked like some camel herder from the land of sand - he was practically wearing a turban - though he'd never tell him that.

"You ever think about making yourself into a quilt?" Kisame queried, his face neutrally enamored by a picture of some girl doing impossible things with her toes while doing a handstand in Kunoichi Monthly. Seriously, what the fuck?

The man's arm stitches twitched, eyes frozen on the pink haired thing that had invaded their shoddy Common room. Kisame would never tell, but that habit of his gave him the fucking willies. It's like his stitches were an entity unto themselves, living separately from the man himself. That's probably why the bastard did it.

Kakuzu's head jerked and he whirled his gaze to the other man's, "Fuck off."

"I was. Fucking off that is."

"Really? I couldn't tell." Stitches glanced at the girl and back at his reluctant companion with a thinly raised brow.

Kisame maintained ignorance, shaking his head. "She's doing something right."

A grunt answered him and Kakuzu settled himself at the other end of the couch, staring off at the wall with a morbid scowl. Kisame could guess why. The man's deepest obsession was currency, but who had any use for that now? He was probably gnawing his stitches behind that mask like a dog licked a wound.

"What are you gonna do now?"

"Somebody has to keep track of the market."

"_What _market?" Kisame stared at him. The man was insatiable when it came to money. Maybe he would find a way – if anyone could, it would be him.

"There will always be currency of some kind." He said. "Sooner or later civilization will find need of it again, and I'll be prepared."

"Maybe you should take up banking."

"Maybe."

"That was a joke."

"Well, we may none of us survive the coming months anyway." Kakuzu tapped his fingers idly across the arm rest, wholly unperturbed by the notion by all appearances

"There is that."

The stitched man's eyes narrowed a fraction. "Food is the real currency now." He murmured and cast his equally inhuman gaze on the man with shark pupils. "Have we rationed anything yet?"

"No, but Itachi mentioned something about doing that soon." Kisame regarded him warily. There was a peculiar glint there that left a tickling of suspicion in his gut. The guy couldn't be trusted not to hoard more to himself. He was frightfully good with money - he could probably apply the same principles with foodstuffs if he applied himself.

Kakuzu made a noncommittal sound, stood up, and left the room without a word. Shark eyes followed his route with growing unease. He certainly wasn't going back to his room after having spent the better part of four days cooped up in it, not after that ominous declaration. No, he was going to go check out how much of their rations he could sequester without anyone else noticing.

"That miserable bastard."

"What?" Sakura had finally come to reality, or at least noticed that something was amiss.

"Nothing." The other said, sitting up straight with an eye still on the door that his fellow akatsuki member had departed through.

The girl sniffed, twisted around awkwardly to look at him. "Did I just miss something important? Because I kind of feel like I missed something important."

Kisame answered with a distracted "No", even as he was on his feet and heading for said door, barely cognizant of the suspicious green eyes that followed his every twitch. The girl turned back to her patient with haste, verifying that all his vitals were stable and that death was, for the moment, at bay. Then she jumped up and ran after the Hidden Mist missing nin who had just so quietly disappeared from the room, as if she hadn't noticed.

It was hard being stealthy on a bad leg Sakura was coming to realize. Not near as hard as it was painful though. That she was growing accustomed to that sharp lance of raw agony whenever she planted was only vaguely registered in her mind as she focused all her energy on remaining unnoticed.

Something fiercely curious must have bitten her erstwhile protector to have him this far off his game because she was bumbling about like a blind person in a china shop and he still hadn't noticed. She had only a hazy recollection of someone else having come into the room earlier and then departed. The two of them might have spoken. It alarmed her that she remembered so little of it, but then saving the boy had required all of her attention, and more. There was no relinquishing that kind of concentration – it was all she could do to keep hold of the jutsu.

So what if she hadn't noticed who had come into the room. If it had been someone like Hidan she had no doubt he would've disrupted her ministrations, probably to the detriment of her patient. Deidara might have died on the spot, what with her medical jutsu entwined all through his system like a spider's web. So it had to have been someone else. Itachi maybe? But no, that didn't make sense. Kisame wouldn't be suspicious of his partner – they actually _liked _each other, or at least maintained mutual respect.

Voices up ahead drew her up short. Sakura placed a hand against the wall, creeping forward with carefully placed steps and bracing herself each time her bad leg planted. The conversation drew closer and words started to materialize.

"We won't survive a year on this." Someone said – a voice she didn't recognize. "One person maybe."

"We'll be lucky if Hidan isn't sacrificing us on his godforsaken alter before a month is gone." The other voice responded gratingly. This one she knew well. "Then he can feed our bodies to Zetsu."

Not even a snicker from his companion. The silence was heavy and unrelenting, until the other broke it. "We would sustain Zetsu for barely a month, if that. Hidan is a thorn I shall never be rid of. Doubtless he'll find some way of appeasing his god long enough to garner some souls, but not ours. He won't challenge Itachi."

A grunt. "Figures."

"He _is_ your better."

"No shit." Kisame bit out. "Doesn't mean I like hearin' about it." A derisive sound and shuffling of feet, then, "You're too goddamn serious. Don't get happy with the supplies."

"I'm not happy about anything."

Kisame grumbled something, trekking back down into the passage that Sakura was currently hiding, the tail end of his rant reaching her ears, "-no fucking sense of humor."

"Hi."

If he had skin to shed it would've been floating to the ground where he had left it milliseconds before, whirling mid air and eyes even more rounded than usual. The bellow of shock was enough to make her jump in surprise. They landed at the same time, one glaring and the other fighting back a fit of laughter.

"Goddamn kids!" Kisame snarled venomously, turning away from her as if to leave.

"Shall I dispose of her?" Came a voice from the room at the end of the hall behind them.

Sakura appraised the third party with narrow eyes. His identity eluded her for the moment, but he was creepy enough in appearance to give her plenty of pause. She almost snorted – who was she kidding? Everybody in this place could turn her into a drooling pile of goo if they wanted.

"No!" The shark faced one retorted unnecessarily loud and grabbed her roughly by the arm, jerking her down the hall after him, "We were just leaving."

"Ow!" Sakura tripped after him, twisting in his grasp to no avail as each plant of her bad leg sent numbing sensations up the bone. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she started to hop in a frenzied attempt to avoid the pain.

"What the hell—" Kisame pivoted around, glaring at the girl in accusation. The leg held gingerly above the ground keyed him in a moment later. His eyes narrowed, "Well why didn't you say something?"

"I said 'Ow'!" She seethed, finally wrenching free of his hand with an indignant huff. "Kami you're all so fricken high strung around here. How you guys haven't murdered each other yet is beyond me."

"You're not the only one." He said and it was almost a sigh, "You gonna be able to walk?"

"Yeah." Sakura answered and hop stepped past him. "I just need to give it a rest for a bit."

They resumed a more sedate pace back to the common room whereupon arriving Sakura was assailed by a sudden sense of panic. Someone else was in the room. Someone dangerous, hovering ominously over the sleeping form of the blond haired boy she'd poured all of her heart into saving.

"Hey!" The pink haired kunoichi shouted, lunging forward with murder in her eyes. She gave no thought to _who _she was attacking or what he might do to her when she did. A hand was fortunate enough to snag the collar of her uniform and yank her back into a solid chest.

The silver haired Jashinist threw a glance over his shoulder. His eyes glinted harshly in the dim light, "What do you know, the little bitch is good for something after all."

"You stay away from him!" The girl was now thrashing at her captor, teeth bared in a snarl.

Hidan quirked his head at the curious display and slid his gaze to man who held her back, "I take it back. Maybe she's _your _pet."

Kisame flashed his pearl white filed teeth, "Maybe."

The priest shrugged, glancing one last time at the boy, and headed for the door that lead topside. "Don't keep all the fun to yourself, Kisame. Poor sport." Then he was gone.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sakura was sputtering in a rage and, by all intents and purposes, ready to run him down despite the ramifications. He could destroy her with barely a twtich of the finger.

Kisame gave her a sharp tug. "Calm down, Kid. Unless you want to be his next sacrifice."

"I'm not worried about me!" She squirmed, grimacing.

"Who? Deidara?" He scoffed.

"Did you see the way he was looking at him?" Sakura argued, waving an accusing finger at where Hidan had stood only moments ago. "I don't trust him for a second!"

"Neither do I." Kisame agreed nonchalantly. "But he couldn't be that stupid. Itachi would kill him."

It sounded an awful lot like the shark faced missing nin was trying to convince himself the way he was staring after where the man had gone. There was something unsettled in his gaze.

"How do you know that? He's practically undead!"

Kisame grated his teeth and breathed in deeply, exhaling with a casual roll of his shoulders. "He can be subdued."

Sakura regarded him dubiously.

"_What?_"

"Nothing."

_Damn kids... _"Whatever happened to respect for your elders?"

Sakura sniffed, examining her nails. "You're not old enough to be an elder."

Kisame groaned inwardly. "I need a drink."

"That's dehydrating."

"Some virgin kunoichi blood would do."

The girl swung her head at him with a nauseous look of horror, "That's disgusting!"

He flashed his teeth.

"Ugh, you're so creepy!" Sakura stomped off to check on her patient, grumbling incoherently about the questionable sanity of akatsuki criminals and their revolting infatuation with canabilism.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **It occurs to me that I find myself lost and confused when writing on an alarmingly frequent basis. I have no idea what's going on. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I sort of have a vague-ish idea of what I'm trying to do here, but whether it's working or not...that's something else entirely.


	5. Chapter 5

**A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse**

_Chapter 5_

_I hath returneth.  
_

* * *

Pink Hair had taken to standing guard over her patient in the common room with a tenacity that was almost admirable if it didn't keep landing Kisame on that Kami-forsaken allergy factory that was the couch. A disk in his back was migrating out of alignment. Every time he moved something seized up and he'd snarl in pain before punching the nearest available object.

"You probably shouldn't do that."

The blue skinned missing nin shot the brat a withering look from where his fist was planted against the wall, shaking with more pain than he was ready to admit. She'd been scribbling Kami knows what in a notebook all bloody afternoon and he'd eat his headband before admitting that he was dying to know what it was.

Sakura hummed, "Mending broken hands is a pain, just saying. All those tiny little bones—"

"Shut up!" Kisame snarled and shuffled back to the couch with an inward groan, kunai in hand. A delightful array of poke holes now adorned the wood crossbeam on the ceiling above him. He threw the steel knife at it, adding another hole with a punctuating thunk. The kunai toppled back into his hand and he threw it again.

_Thunk._

"There's a section in here dedicated to chiropractic." The girl piped up jubilantly while leafing through her medical textbook. She cracked her knuckles and flashed him a smile that bordered on maniacal, "I could give it a try."

_Thunk._ "I think I'll take my chances."

"You're no fun at all."

_Clack. "_Fuck." He totally whiffed the catch.

"Huh?" Her head lifted, eyes narrowing fractionally.

The door to topside opened, drawing the conversation to a curious halt as a robed figure fled into the room, shaking his robes in frenzy. His orange swirl mask with the single eye hole tilted neither left nor right as he crossed to the opposite door, muttering incoherently to himself in quick muted tones – something about cockroaches and rebuilding the empire. Then he disappeared into the tunnel, a soft click of the door behind him.

Sakura glanced at the man on the couch, brow arched in silent question.

Kisame shrugged.

"Is there some secret requirement for joining the Akatsuki that you all have to be idiosyncratically insane?" The girl asked.

"Idiot-what?"

"Nevermind."

"Well...we were plotting to destroy the world."

"_Were?_"

His eyes slanted towards her, "Don't push your luck."

"Well somebody beat you to it." She retorted waspishly, throwing a wad of gauze that had been a point of interest to her fidgeting fingers for the last minute. It fell disparagingly short of the mark.

"And I didn't get to kill anybody either." Kisame released a wistful sigh.

Sakura stared at him, having gone very still. He held her gaze and felt a queer sensation tickling his spine. After a moment she looked away and her shoulders drooped, "I hate this place."

"So do I." Kisame muttered under his breath, throwing the kunai with extra ferocity. The flat of the blade clapped against the ceiling and it plummeted back down, only to twist in his waiting fingers at a sudden jolt of pain. It tumbled to the floor with a muted thud on the old moth eaten rug that may have once been a shade of red.

_Shit. _Had he really broken his hand punching the _wall_? Itachi would chew him out so hard he'd feel bite marks.

His brow furrowed at a sudden onslaught of disturbing images and horror stole over him. He was never more glad not to have spoken something out loud in his life. Then he scowled accusingly at the pink haired menace, willing it to be her fault.

"You okay?" A timid voice perked up from across the room.

"Fuckin' peachy."

She was about to protest – she _always _did – when a groan from the cot beside her wrenched everyone's attention to the young man attempting to sit up behind her. Sakura's eyes changed with something like hope, so bright you almost had to look away. Kisame grimaced.

"Thank Kami – thank the stars and the moon and blue haired _fish people._.." The wannabe medic was positively gushing. Poor boy didn't know what hit him – he wasn't accustomed to being tackled into hugs. Amongst villains pride could be a far more dangerous thing to wound than anything.

"What the fuck, un?" Still weak, he fumbled against her groping arms and tried to extricate himself with no success. Kisame grinned pleasantly.

"Sorry!" Sakura pulled away with a little laugh, a touch of color in her cheeks. "I just thought your were going to die for so long that...that..."

The blonde's eyes focused imperceptibly on the girl, no doubt taking her measure for his own satisfaction. They lingered on her hair with a bemused stare. Then he grinned, reaching out to tug one of her bangs. "Nice hair."

Her face went as ripe as a tomato.

"Well this is just nauseating." Kisame made a gagging sound. _You've got to be kidding me. _

What happened next, however, made the entire experience completely worth it. Deidara's hand had proceeded to munch on the girl's hair. Sakura detonated in record time.

"What the..!" She jerked back into a backwards somersault and reared up, wide eyed and nostrils flared as she gazed between the deceptively cheerful boy's face and the horrible mouth sticking its tongue out at her from the palm of his hand. A howl of frustration – possibly madness – shook the foundations of the mountain and she pivoted sharply around, marching for the door that lead topside with a Shark Man scuttling after her.

"Hey!" A voice whined. It was amazing how much it resembled Sakura's.

Wincing, the Hidden Mist missing nin stopped and made a quarter turn to meet Blondie's accusatory look. "What?"

The boy was twitching around like a trapped rabbit, "Where am I? How long have I been out?"

"Four or five days. This is one of Pein's Plan B safehouses."

Deidara snickered, "He and Konan bust a rubber?"

"Stow it dipshit." He jerked his at where the girl had just left, "Pinky dragged your miserable hide from death's door, little good it'll do ya in this fucking mess, but you could thank her anyway."

A sly brow lifted, "Yeah?"

"She's 14 you sick bastard." Kisame looked at the much younger man like he'd never seen him before and was alarmed to find that he was somewhat shaken as he turned away. Idiot had no idea. "Fuck it, you'll figure it out eventually."

"What? What are you talking about, un? Hey!"

Deidara's shout was cut short by the slamming of a door.

It was a dark and shitty night. Or maybe it was day – nobody could tell anymore. Kisame never realized how much he liked the sun until it got swallowed by a standing haze of debris. Sand and grit clung clawed down his throat and up his nose with every breath. The air was so hot and so dry it felt like his skin was peeling off. It was all the things he hated in one delightful package, with a pink bow on top.

"How much water can you make?" A small voice asked off to his right. She was scarcely but a shadow against the darkness.

"Huh?"

Sakura huffed. "You know, your jutsu? El regurgita-_cion_?"

"That's not a word."

"I'm making it a word."

"Who gave you the authority?"

Something jabbed him in the nipple, hard. She was probably aiming for the chest or she might have lost that finger, "_Me._ I don't see anybody about to stop me. Do you?"

"I couldn't see the Yeti if I was standing on it." Kisame toed the ground in front of him for added effect. To his surprise his toe connected with something solid. It did feel faintly squelchy, whatever it was. Not something he wanted to think about.

...or did he? He knelt down suddenly, reaching out with one hand to close around...shaggy fur; the body was still warm. "Well tickle me pink."

"Eh?"

"I think I've found tonight's meal."

A shuffling of sandals on cracked earth brought the girl groping to his side. Her hand struck gold. "Ooo, silky hair."

"That's my head."

"AH!" The hand recoiled, shaking vigorously. Then, feeling only mildly abashed, she lifted her palm to her nose and inhaled. "Has anyone ever told you your hair smells like seaweed?"

"I'm amazed you can smell anything out here– horns! I've found horns!" His hand shifted up the protruding bit of bone, stopping at a sudden moist apex. "Wait – nevermind, that's a tusk."

Scowling, Sakura knelt to the ground at his side and prodded the dead animal with her finger. She turned her head at the shadow of Kisame, "Are you sure it's still good?"

"Think so. One way to find out."

Sakura winced, "Oh."

He hummed in affirmation and retrieved a long knife from his belt. "Meat doesn't grow on trees, Kid." He said and proceeded to gut the animal. That he was doing it entirely by feel was admirable. Sakura sat there, transfixed by his remarkable deftness and waited for an opportunity to practice re-attaching fingers.

It was a quick process and, much to her disappointment, accident free. Kisame hoisted the whole carcass over his shoulder with a grunt and started back towards to entrance to the caves. The air was heavy with the scent of blood and fluids left behind from the animal's innards.

Sakura wrinkled her nose as she watched his shadow disappear, wondering how long it would be before he noticed that she hadn't followed. Would anyone really care if she just wandered off and never came back? It was tempting to walk away. Maybe...maybe there were others out there trying to survive, like them. Others that weren't more than slightly unhinged and certifiably insane.

But she wouldn't last a day out in this. Not as she was now. Sakura kicked at the ground. "We're all just gonna die anyway."

"No."

She started, whirling sharply. "What do you want?"

"You should not be out here alone." Itachi said. "It is unsafe."

"Nowhere is safe." Sakura retorted and edged a step back.

"Kisame _is _safe."

A derisive snort, "That's a laugh. He'd sooner see me dead."

Silence. There was something unspoken there that she was missing, but she wasn't feeling generous enough to try and figure it out. It dragged on for several seconds before unease prompted her to break it.

"Why did you save me?" _Why didn't you let me die?_

Itachi said nothing, but she could feel his eyes on her. The sharingan tickled her senses, putting her hairs on end. He didn't even have to use it to ignite a sense of caution.

"Whatever." she muttered and turned in direction of the caves – or what she thought was the right direction. It was impossible to tell, a fact that was slightly unnerving now that she thought about it. It must be well and truly night.

"To your right." Itachi offered.

Sakura gnashed her teeth as she picked her way along, hand coming in contact with the wall, "I've got it."

Next time she came out here she'd have to remember to grab a flashlight. And provisions. She had no intention of coming back to this hovel if she ever went topside again. Not a third time.

Raised voices piqued her interest as she meandered down the passage towards the door to the common room. She stopped to listen, ear pressed against the wood. A breath at her back caused her to flinch and she glanced back narrowly. The sharingan was glowing.

"You're dripping blood all over the fucking floor." It was Hidan.

Kisame made a noncommittal sound.

"Is that a wild pig?" That was Deidara.

"Looks to be."

The Jashinist snarled something unintelligible.

"What's got your knickers in a twist, un?" The blond laughed.

"I'll gut you like that fucking pig if you don't shut your fucking trap. _All of them._" Nothing in the priest's tone suggested that he was joking.

Instinct launched the pink haired kunoichi through the door with a resonating crack as it slammed against the inside wall. "You stay away from him!" She yelled, placing herself between the priest and the boy on the cot whose face had lost what little color it had gained since his waking.

A pin could have dropped in that place and sounded like a gong.

Hidan's gaze burned into her like frozen steel, eyes blood shot and framed with dark circles. His clothes seemed to hang from bones too pronounced and bent. There was a twitch in his hands and a haggardness to his bent frame. Something cold settled in Sakura's stomach; he was starving.

She flinched when Itachi spoke.

"Hidan." It was the most she'd ever heard him raise his voice.

The Jashinist seemed to snap out of it, glancing towards the Uchiha with eyes glazed over.

When a second door opened the tension in the room abruptly diffused. Itachi was the only one who didn't appear startled by the screech of hinges, but then his expression had never changed once during the whole exchange. His eyes narrowed fractionally at their newest arrival.

The orange masked man stopped and glanced around, "Tobi is interrupting?"

"I was just leaving." Hidan muttered and shouldered past the strange character with the mask. Just as he reached the door his head turned about and he looked straight at Sakura. A ghost of a smile touched his lips and then he was gone.

And just like that everything settled back to normal. Except for perhaps her heart rate. She hadn't realized she was shaking until she looked down at her hands and couldn't make them stop.

"Well isn't this just one continuous round of pleasure." Kisame drawled.

"What's going on, un?" Deidara asked, glancing from face to face. He looked about to stand up, hands on the edge of the cot as he started to lean forward.

"Don't!" Sakura blurted out, rushing towards him to use force if necessary. "You're burns haven't healed."

The blonde grimaced, "I feel shitty."

"Somebody should get him some water and soft food." She glanced back at the three still standing in varying degrees of awkwardness. Kakuzu seemed to have materialized out of nowhere. She didn't remember seeing him. Just as she didn't remember seeing the one called Tobi leave, but he was nowhere to be seen now.

Itachi nodded. "It will be done." He walked over to where Kisame stood and exchanged a few words that she could not hear before turning away and exiting through the door to the private rooms. Sakura didn't miss the uneasy frown on Shark Face as he watched his partner go.

"How's the rationing going?" The question was directed at the stitched one.

Kakuzu shrugged. "Maybe six months. If we don't die of malnutrition first."

Kisame's teeth flashed in a silent snarl. He looked about to say something, but thought better of it. "Keep an eye on your brother."

"He's not my brother." The other deadpanned.

"Just keep any eye on the bastard."

"Your pig is dripping on the carpet."

"Goddamn it." Kisame swung a half turn, the carcass still over one shoulder as he tracked a pattern of blood droplets around his feet. His shoulders bunched, one sandal reeling off the floor where it had stepped afoul of the red mess. "I'll, uh, be right back."

Kakuzu regarded the other man's back for a pause. A subtle shift of his gaze and Sakura found herself the center of his unnerving attention. His strange pupil-less eyes were almost iridescent in the flickering light, one second yellow and the next vibrant green.

"What are you lookin' at?" Sakura said.

The stitches in his mouth twitched. It didn't quite reach a smile, but it achieved a certain level of creepiness that was more than enough to make her insides squirm. She glanced nervously at the third and conspicuously silent party in the room. Deidara was examining his bandages and the wounds beneath with shaking hands.

"W-what happened to me?" His eyes swallowed her up, large and beseeching.

Her mouth felt suddenly dry. When she glanced back at Kakuzu he was gone. Her insides squirmed a little more and she looked at the blonde with something close to panic. Had he said something? She couldn't remember. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears that all outward sound was drowned out.

"You okay, un?"

Sakura was staring blankly at the wall.

"Hey, Pink Hair!"

The shout brought her reeling back to reality with a start, eyes snapping to attention on the boy at her side. He was probably only a few years older than she was and his fear was palpable to the skin. She frowned pensively.

"What's going on?" It was less a question than it was a demand.

"A giant glob of flying space metal incinerated everything."

Deidara looked at her like she'd gone insane. As if he was one to talk.

"You asked." She muttered and crossed the room to collapse on the couch.

The awkward silence in the room was abruptly dispelled by the return of Kisame, sans cloak. It was draped over one arm instead, a scowl etched deeply into his face as he trudged over to Deidara's cot, set a glass of water on the crate beside him, and plopped a plate of food onto his lap. "Eat." He commanded, ignoring the blonde's indignant glare, and trudged back to the couch, sitting down with an audible groan.

"What's wrong with you?" Pink Hair asked suspiciously.

He bared his teeth in a snarl and proceeded to loom over her _while sitting down. _His shoulders bunched, straining against some invisible force. Or maybe he was just flexing to freak her out – ooo, muscles!

Sakura abruptly snatched the cloak from his hand, stretching it out before her with a determined scrutiny, completely oblivious to his whine of protest. "Ah-ha!" She exclaimed, holding up the blood stain that marred one white trimmed fluffy red cloud. Then she laughed mirthlessly, "The great and merciless killer gets his first blood stain from a pig carcass!"

"Give that back." Kisame jerked it out of her hands with a pointed look of promised maiming if she didn't capitulate.

"Oh fine."

Fish Face got to his feet and jerked his head at the door. Well, one of the doors.

Sakura looked up at him blankly.

"You." He pointed at her. "Come with me."

"What _now_?"

"That's right, _now!_"

With a grumble of protest Sakura stood up and followed him. It was made clear almost immediately that they were not heading towards the quarters area, but the place she'd followed him to the other day; the storage room. Once inside Kisame stepped to the left and ushered her in, closing the door behind them.

"Okay. So...what are we doing?"

"_We _aren't doing anything. _You _are going to ration everything in this room for 8 people."

"What?! Why me?!"

"Because Itachi believes, in his 'esteemed' judgment, that you are the most qualified for the task with your medical background." He replied.

Sakura let out a warbling cackle. "Right."

"That's kind of how I felt about it." Kisame concurred.

A gleam took root in her eyes though, the magnitude of this privilege finally hitting home as she gazed upon sacks of rice, flour, canned and dried fruits, dried seaweed, dried meats, canned vegetables — even fresh fruits and vegetables that someone had preserved through jutsu. Her survival was in this room, if she was smart. There was more to living than just having food to eat. Not every calorie was created equal.

She sighed. "I'll go get my notebook."

* * *

"So?"

"'So' what?" Sakura didn't look up from the notebook that she was scribbling on with religious fervor. There were lists and algorithms and computations covering every available surface of the page. Some were blacked out with furious pen marks, others circled and highlighted.

"What's the verdict?" Kisame asked, one shoulder braced against the doorway and arms crossed.

"Is that always how you stand in doorways?"

He glared at her.

Sakura sighed as she looked back down at the page. Lines marred her forehead in concentration, lower lip trapped between teeth. She had checked her calculations at least 5 times now. Her gaze flickered in his direction, hesitating.

The blue skinned man straightened menacingly, "Out with it." He had to bite back a wince at the sudden shot of pain in his back. _Fucking couch. _

"You could probably stretch it for 8 months." She shrugged. "But that's if you're really skimping on meals, and if you start, like, now."

"That's better than what Stitches estimated." Kisame replied.

"Or maybe I'm totally wrong and we all die in 6 months. The book doesn't exactly cover Apocalyptic starvation scenarios..._or_ maybe he's just planning on hiding extra rations for himself. That's what I'd do."

The casualness with which she let that slip blindsided him. He stared at her, unsure whether she was serious or joking. A disturbing sensation had stolen over him, almost like...admiration. He shuddered. "You planning on cheating the rest of us?"

"Nooo." She hedged, standing up and tucking her notebook under one arm. "Just making an observation. There's some stuff in the kitchens, right? We should look at that too. Might be another month's worth of food."

Kisame fell into step beside her as she walked into the the hall. "What about nutrition? I mean, are we going to get everything we need? No mineral deficiency or something?"

"I think so. As long as whatever it is keeping the fresh stuff good doesn't fail. There aren't a lot of vegetables so we have to be extra careful with those." They passed through the common room, saw Deidara laying on his cot, one eye peeking suspiciously over the edge of his Kunoichi Monthly magazine.

A Kunoichi Monthly magazine that had been on the _couch. _

"What are you up to, un?" He asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about kid." Kisame dismissed, giving Sakura a firm push towards the kitchen before she could rail against her patient for disobeying orders. Damn teenagers. "Nothing at all..."

"Hey!" Deidara called after them and started to stand.

"Sit your ass down!" Kisame roared, gesturing pointedly at this cot. "You're on bed rest."

"Goddamn it—"

"Sakura says."

"Who the hell is that, un?"

"Take a flying guess." Kisame called over his shoulder as he walked away.

Deidara crossed his arms, a pout on his mouth. His expression softened abruptly."Oh..._she's _Sakura." He grinned.

* * *

Kisame had set to cutting up his foraged pig in the center table of the kitchen while Sakura raided the cupboards. According to her they had enough rice to survive the end of the world, at which point she giggled hysterically and her grudging companion stared at her unamused. The knife in his hand twitched.

"Come on, it's kinda funny! I mean, how many times have people said that over the years?" She asserted. "But who thinks about that really? Guess we should have, huh? Oops."

"Yeah, 'oops'" He muttered. "_'I slipped and stabbed her Itachi, I swear it was an accident.'_"

Pinky fired a tepid glare over his bow, eyes lingering briefly on the sharply pointed object held in his one hand as he removed the hide. "I hope you're gonna clean that afterwards."

"Clean what?" Slash. He made it look so easy.

"The table."

Kisame paused and looked up. "That's your job."

"It is not!" She whirled around. "I'm rationing your stupid food. I don't have time to clean tables!"

"Really?" He set the knife down. "You don't have time to clean a fucking table? What are you planning on doing, digging to the other side of the world from your broom closet?"

Sakura fumed. "No! I was _planning _on making sure that nobody gets more than what they need."

"Itachi will handle it."

"Well then where is he?" She demanded, crossing her arms.

"How the hell should I know? Do I look like his fucking keeper?" Air hissed between Kisame's teeth and he stopped, flexing his hand. Something was definitely not right there.

"You broke it, didn't you." The girl was staring at him accusingly.

"It's fine." He bit out.

"It's functioning you mean."

A long, vicious swipe of the knife removed a large chunk of hide in response. He stubbornly refused to so much as glance in her direction.

"I can try to fix it."

"Cause that turned out so well the first time."

Her sudden silence was palpable to the skin. The quiet sound of the knife blade slowed to a halt and he wearily lifted his head. Right in time to catch an apple square in the face. It knocked his head back long enough for her to maneuver past him and slam the door on her way out. He was on his feet in seconds, barreling out the door after her.

Damn kid was fast for a gimp. He reached the common area in time to see the door to the personal quarters slamming shut. Deidara was looking at him with an sardonically arched brow.

Kisame snarled something unintelligible and set off after her. "Hey!" He shouted, but she didn't stop. "Come on, kid. I didn't mean it like that."

_He totally meant it like that. _

They passed Itachi at one intersection, having been forced to halt lest he be run over. His eyes followed after Kisame with interest. Then he turned to follow.

Sakura had barricaded herself in her room. He could hear her sobbing on the other side, which caused an uncomfortable amount of clenching in his chest that he was unused to. Was being stuck in this place finally getting to him? Was this the first sign of insanity setting in? It must be.

"It may be best to let her be for now."

Kisame looked back in surprise to see his partner. "Uh, I wasn't...that is...nevermind." He muttered and beat a hasty retreat down the hall, his face an incriminating shade of purple.

Itachi's gaze slide from his partner's back to the door. He then knocked.

"Go away!"

"I may open the door by force if need be, Sakura." He said calmly. "But I would prefer you let me in."

There was a pause. "What do you want?"

"There is something I must speak to you about."

"You spoke to me already."

A whisper of a smile graced his face. "There is something more."

Shuffling feet echoed from the other side and then the sound of a latch releasing. The door opened inward, a head of pink hair peaking out from around it with no small amount of suspicion. She glanced past him, searching, and when she didn't find what she sought she let the door open wide.

"I hate you, you know." She stared at him unflinching.

"I am aware." He bowed cordially and shut the door behind him.

Sakura crossed her arms and stared pointedly at the floor. "So what is it?"

"Kisame may have informed you to ration what food we have left for 8 people."

She glanced up at this. "Yes."

"I would like to revise that."

Her eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

Itachi looked back at her with an unnerving intensity. "The sharingan. It is making me blind."

Sakura faltered, arms unraveling and falling to her side. The medic in her was ready to offer help, the Leaf ninja in her forced her mouth shut. She looked away. "So?"

"I have abused it far too long. My body cannot sustain it for much longer."

Her brow furrowed and she looked up at him, confused. "I don't know what you mean? You'd just be blind, right?"

"No." Itachi corrected. "I have been taking medication to delay the more serious side effect, for many years, but ultimately I will die from it."

Sakura stared at him. For one split second she felt horrible. But then she remembered everything he'd done and her gaze hardened over again. "Good. Maybe then Sasuke will stop hunting you."

The elder Uchiha closed his eyes. "My brother...I..." His head lowered a fraction, "I will not see him again."

Her body had begun to shake. What was wrong with him? Why did he care? "You murdered your entire family and left him an orphan!"

Itachi's gaze settled back on her. "I did."

"Why?" There were tears rolling off her chin. Where had they come from?

For a long moment he didn't answer her. He seemed to consider carefully his words, but he never once looked away. There was something very forlorn in the way his eyes shined. "I will send for you on the day of my death. If you still wish to know then, I will tell you why."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Nothing." He deadpanned. "It is what you do that concerns me. The others do not know – Kisame does not know and you mustn't tell him. I would suggest that you store the extra rations of mine away where others cannot find them. You will need your strength when you leave this place."

"You're...you're not going to eat them?" Her voice cracked a little.

"I will eat enough to maintain appearances, nothing more."

"How long?"

"A month. Perhaps two."

"O..okay." She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Something was dawning on her, slowly at first, but now loud and clear. "What about Kisame? What will he do when...when he finds out?"

"That I do not know." Itach turned away dismissively, opening the door.

"It will hurt him." She mused quietly.

"With Kisame there is no telling."

The door clicked shut softly behind him.

Sakura sagged onto her cot, her head in her hands.

* * *

It was not until hours later that another knock came to her door, waking her. She sat up groggily and padded across the room on bare feet. Her hand was hovering above the handle when she hesitated.

"Who is it?"

"It's me. You think Hidan is gonna _knock?_" Fish Face retorted from the other side.

Sakura scowled darkly, opening the door with some reluctance and an accusatory glare. "I don't want to talk to you."

He glared back. "Then why'd you open the door?"

"You'd probably just break it down anyway." She muttered and walked back over to sit on her cot dejectedly.

Kisame bit back a swear word and took a breath, as if to prepare himself for something that caused him great pain. "Practice makes perfect, right? How are you ever going to get it right if you don't keep trying? It's not like you've got anyone who can show you now."

Pinky Hair glanced up at him warily.

"It's my pinky for Kame's sake. I think I'll manage if it doesn't go perfectly. Just get rid of the pain and I'll be good." He continued. "Deal?"

Her lips thinned as she thought it over, fingers tapping a rhythm on the edge of the cot. Then she nodded. "Fine. Deal." She patted the space next to her with her hand. "Sit here."

He complied and extended his hand out to her. She took in gingerly, feeling along the bone with her thumb. A small hiss there and she lessened pressure. The funny little concentration lines on her forehead were back and Kisame found himself watching her, fascinated.

"You'll do fine kid."

And she did.

After mending Kisame's hand, Sakura had insisted on going back to check up on her other patient residing in the common room. He seemed to be in high spirits. The food had done him good, but she didn't trust to leave him alone for too long. For a multitude of reasons... She prepared him a drought to put him to sleep because he stubbornly refused to do so willingly. And because she wanted some peace and quite for once.

With nothing else to do but watch over her patient while he rested and Kisame as his back condition worsened from sleeping on the couch, her thoughts tended to wander, and not in good places. She was disturbed by the realization that she'd become accustomed to these conditions and that interacting with these people was second nature. Only when she had time to herself, like now, did the reality of their situation sink in again and then it was hard to concentrate on anything but grief and hopelessness.

To battle this insidious train of thought Sakura had taken to writing in her notebook. Mostly just random lists pertaining to different things. Survival. Food. The simple necessities in life that were taken for granted. When this was all over she was going to write a guide to surviving the apocalypse. Assuming she did.

It was always good to have a plan though.

_Number 1: Remain Calm. _Don't go insane. Make yourself unnoticeable and let everyone else kill each other.

So far she'd done a quwstionable job of the latter part. One simply didn't do "unnoticeable" with pink hair. That she was also openly defying possibly the most dangerous person locked in this tomb with her was only secondary.

_Number 2: Relationships. _Try to maintain one good one. That's why she had Fish Face...but don't get too attached. He'll probably eat her when everyone starts to starve – a column off to the side remarked that plans to escape should take into account that possibility and act well before Akatsuki started cannibalizing each other.

Sakura bit her lip, thinking.

Someone had put in a septic system at one time that no one there now rightly understood the machinations of. All they knew was that it was working, much to everyone's relief. It'd been carved out of the mountain, depositing who knows where, but they were hoping it wasn't polluting their water source.

The wily leaf ninja had taken to only drinking what Kisame made anyway – in hindsight kind of creepy, but sacrifices were necessary.

Which brought to mind a priceless commodity that thus far had gone under the radar: toilet paper. How much did they have? Enough that no one had really bothered to worry about the potential for running out apparently. More importantly, what would they do when it ran out? There wasn't much soap lying around and hot water wasn't going to last forever.

Nothing was. Six months was great...but what were they going to do once that time was up?

The pink haired ninja resumed scribbling on the paper.

_Number 3: Supplies. _Horde every toilet paper roll you can find and take no prisoners. And limes. Unsanitary conditions kill people. Limes prevent Vitamin C deficiency.

This would require some stealth and risking a potentially fatal confrontation with a Jashinist, but she'd rather die as a sacrifice than of dysentery or plague, or something equally worse. It was good to remind herself that she was still alive and wanted to stay that way. Fear kept her on her toes.

_Number 4: Escape. _There might be safer places farther away from the blast radius – maybe even people. Horde more supplies.

Sighing, she sat back and admired her handy work. It was a start anyway. She set the notebook in her lap and glanced at her unlikely protector. He'd been snoring for the last hour. Then she stood, tucking her notebook under one arm, and slipped away.

* * *

**Author's Whimsical Pontifications:** I've been sick for three weeks with everything from fever to constant throat pain due to an insidious bacterial infection that may have been strep, but nobody really knows, and breaking out in hives from the antibiotics. Turns out I'm allergic to penicillin. On the bright side the creepy white sores in the back of my throat finally went away and I'm pain free!

Have a chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse**

_Chapter 6_

_Here at last. Unfortunately I'm plunging into my busiest time of year where I'll be spending most of the summer out in the field and away from technology. But I'm gonna work on stuff while I'm out there. I need to be a more disciplined writer. Enjoy. _

* * *

Kisame had started to cross his arms when he caught himself leaning towards the door frame and stopped. A deep scowl cast sharp shadows over his face as he straightened again. The brat was up to something, he could smell it. She'd left him asleep hours ago and he'd caught her snooping unsupervised.

"You look like you're 80 when you do that."

Lately his blood pressure had been maintaining at much higher levels than normal too.

"There! See?" Sakura took a moment from her vigorous searching beneath the bunk to point at his face with a smug little smirk, "You've got wrinkles."

"Listen Gimpy—"

A vicious snarl was the only warning before a blur of pink sprang up off the floor, claws reaching for his throat. He plucked her out of mid-leap and deposited her back on the cot.

"As I was saying—"

"You're such a bastard!"

"That's what they keep telling me." He muttered and squared himself to her. "We need to talk."

Sakura had resumed ransacking her cot. The indistinct clatter of various glass-like objects knocking together as her hand groped about in the shadows was the only sound to permeate the room. For all appearances she hadn't heard him, which was a filthy lie.

"Hey, brat, I'm talking to—what the fuck is that?"

"Limes!" Sakura straightened on her knees, one hand proffering high above her head a bag bulging full with small, vaguely round shaped lumps.

Kisame squinted, confused, "What?"

"They're for scurvy!"

"Scurvy?"

"It causes depression, suppurating wounds, loss of teeth, jaundice, fever, neuropathy and death – you know, stuff like that. " She flashed him a bright, over wide smile.

"You quoted that from a textbook." He accused.

"And I'm totally gonna take the textbook's word for it."

Kisame grunted. "Great. So what are you doing with the entire bag?"

"_One _bag." She corrected and shook it at him. "It's for you."

"Oh." He paused, thinking, and slowly reached out to take the bag from her, testing it's weight. Then he looked at her, "Uh, what am I supposed to do with them?"

Sakura gave him an obvious look, "Youeat them."

Kisame made a face, "Who would want to?"

The leaf nin tossed her arms in exasperation, "Put it in tea or something, I don't know! Don't be such a baby. Unless you _want _all your hard earned dental work to fall out."

His tongue reflexively poked at his teeth to make sure they were still there when a thought occurred to him. "Wonder if you could put it in a tart?"

"A tart!" She exclaimed, indignant. "How can you be thinking about something so stupid at a time like this? Everything is ruined and we're probably all going to die and you want to make tarts!"

"Well why not?" Kisame demanded. "If I am gonna die in this shit hole I might as well die fuckin' happy."

Sakura's hands balled into fist and she growled for emphasis, "Unbelievable."

"Do we have any flower?"

Her shoulders sagged in defeat and she lulled her head with groan, "Yes. Obviously."

"Come on, let's go make some!" His expression was almost giddy as he bounded out of her room, the bag of limes bouncing against his shoulder as he went.

"Oh no you don't – we have to ration that!" She yelled, scrambling after him.

Someone had replaced the torch on the wall with an oil lamp, which was sputtering for its last breath as she walked by. Sakura stopped to look at it and frowned. They'd been burning candles for days, and now oil lamps. How much fuel did they have to keep this place lit?

They'd be out of light within a month, forget the food. Vitamin D only went so far – how were they supposed to see in this place? It's not like they could go pick up some batteries at the nearest grocery.

Fretting her lip between her teeth, Sakura set off after Kisame with renewed vigor. It was a good time to check on Deidara too. Upon arrival into the common room however, her patient was not there. She scowled darkly as she headed towards the kitchen. It wasn't very far along before she could hear voices from up ahead.

"She's gonna shave that pretty little head of yours."

"No she isn't! I'll blow her into bits first!"

"I'll hold you down for her."

"Come on, un!" The boy whined. "I'm tired of laying around. I've gotta do something! Let me help!"

"You don't even know what I'm doing." Kisame said with a gust of breath that sounded suspiciously like a resigned sigh.

"Do so. You're making somethin' to eat, un."

Sakura didn't have to see it to know the expression on Kisame's face. She snickered silently and reached out to push on the slightly parted door. It slid open with nary a sound, revealing the scene beyond, which was so domestic in nature that the leaf ninja was hit with a sudden wave of homesickness.

Deidara was toting the measuring cup and flour bag while Kisame pulled out an assortment of mixing bowls, cook books, and measuring spoons. Fish Face's armload was threatening to topple over at various points. A tin bowl clattered to the floor at his feet, eliciting a curse as he hopped to avoid it.

"So what are we making?" Asked Blondie.

"Lime tarts."

"What?"

"Lime tarts!" Kisame exasperated.

"Don't you mean lemon tarts?"

The much taller man straightened slowly and turned, a near tangible crackle of tension in the air as he glared down at the younger man and said through gritted teeth, "Did I say lemon tarts?"

"N-no." Deidara shook his head quickly and surreptitiously positioned himself across the table, setting his things down on its surface. "Lime tarts it is."

Sakura took a deep breath and exhaled, forcing a calmness she didn't feel. Something was yanking at her chest and it hurt. If she crossed her eyes enough she could pretend it was Naruto and Sasuke bickering, not two Akatsuki members. She could believe that this situation was nothing short of absurd and that deadly people could be soft and cuddly too.

"You gonna help me out here or just stand there?" Kisame asked her pointedly.

She wrinkled her nose and sent a strongly disapproving look in Deidara's direction. "You're supposed to be on bed rest."

Before the blonde could open his mouth Fish Face gave him a meaningful glance. The boy wisely kept his head bowed and took a deep breath before forcing between clenched teeth a very belated, "Sorry" and almost unintelligible, "Thank you for saving me." His expression was pleading when he finally looked up, "Can I at least sit here and watch or something?"

"It's your health, not mine." She sniffed primly and sidled up to Kisame's side, not so surreptitiously spying over his shoulder at the cook book he had open. "How ya gonna bake it?"

"We've got one of those stone oven thingies. Just needs fire to heat—"

"Thingies?" The brat had unceremoniously burst out laughing. "You...you just said thingies!" She gasped, staggering slightly as she flopped onto the bench seat.

"You done yet?" He snapped with an affronted look.

"Kami, I think I pulled a stomach muscle." The leaf nin wiped away the happy tears on her face with the back of her hand and sighed. "Wow, that was awesome. They should put that in the bingo book under 'known quotations'."

A corner of Kisame's mouth curled, revealing his filed teeth in a silent snarl.

Then someone snickered. "She's got you licked, un." Deidara prodded, idly flipping through the pages of a cook book at the table. His head lifted in pause, "Since when did the 'monster of the hidden mist' get hoorawed by little girls?"

"Keep up with that train of thought and you'll be talking out of your hands for the rest of your short life." The tall man warned as he set to stoking the oven.

"That's my patient you're talkin' about." Sakura said and drew some limes out of the bag to grind zest. "You're not allowed to hurt him."

Kisame gave a dramatic eye roll, "Of course. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. I'll be sure to miss the ceremony."

There was an strangled noise before the pink hair ninja ducked in with a swift jab to his side that landed true, to her delight and his immediate suffering. He sucked in a pained breath and before she could withdraw had caught her deftly by the wrist, twisting it just so. When Sakura cried out at the start of pain he stopped. His eyes cast over her sharply with warning.

The leaf ninja stilled and her heart trembled for just a moment, unsure. His grip, while no longer painful, was hard enough to remind her that these people were still dangerous, no matter how friendly they could be. But she wasn't stupid and with timing and the right application of strength she jerked free of his grasp, putting a fair distance between them. The room had gone quiet where it had been so carefree before. Now the tension was a like a fog, suffocating everything.

"Why is she here anyway?" Deidara suddenly asked in a tone bordering on haughty. "She's a leaf, ain't she?"

At first Kisame didn't answer. His expression was oddly blank, his hands working mechanically as he measured out ingredients. When he stirred back to reality there was a hardness in his eyes she hadn't seen before.,"Yeah, she's leaf. Itachi thought she might be useful so until she outstays that usefulness, we play nice. After that," He looked back at her. "All bets are off."

Sakura felt something like betrayal even though she knew it was stupid. He wasn't her friend. He was her protector because those were his orders and those orders could change, and he wouldn't bat an eyelash. The Akatsuki had never been anything but an organization built around monsters and their stupid lies.

The air tasted dead on her tongue, so dry in her throat it was. Without a word she turned and left, not bothering to shut the door behind her. On her way out she passed the man with stitches, Kakuzu. He gave her a calculating look as she pushed by with little courtesy, but she was fairly sure that was a permanent fixture of his character.

She half ran through the passage ways. It was not long before she came to the sinking realization that she was lost. This part of the caverns she had not seen before. Stalactites hung from the ceiling dripping moister to the floor where stalagmites, some of which were as tall as she was, rose up to catch it. The path wove through the natural formations in switchbacks, long and winding. More than once she considered turning back, but having nothing else to do and nowhere to be she kept going. In the scheme of things, it didn't really matter where she ended up because it was all bad.

Eventually the passage opened up into a large cavern the scope of which she could not see for the light could not penetrate it. There was light though, from two large marble pillars on which balanced brass bowls fill with oil that burned hot and bright, casting over a pool beyond and the sound of trickling water met her ears. A figure materialized from the shadows on her right.

Sakura faltered a step, recognizing her nemesis, and turned to leave.

"You are welcome to stay." There was something inexplicably calming in Itachi's voice whenever he spoke. It warred against her baser instinct, which if she were to be honest, was to run.

But she didn't. She turned around, slowly, and faced him. They looked at one another in silence, which to her was all kinds of unnerving. He was so composed, so unflappable, that all her self-righteous fury could not penetrate that steel wall. How could he even stand to look her in the eye after everything, she wanted to know?

Then here gaze drifted past him towards the strange iridescent glow emanating from the cavern wall behind him as it descended into the pool. "What is this place?" She asked, despite herself.

Itachi managed to make the simple act of stepping aside to allow her a better view appear awesome. If the billowing of his coat had been intentional the effect would not have been so outstanding, but everything seemed to move for that man. The world itself might move for him if he asked.

What lay beyond was beautiful, the colors ranging across the entire spectrum – it was as if the moisture itself was infused with chakra, in all the many hues it manifested in. She'd never seen anything like it, or had heard of such a thing. The core of it seemed to center around the natural spring trickling out of the cavern wall.

"It is a Chakra spring." He explained. "They are only found under ground, to my knowledge."

"Is it...dangerous?" She took a cautious step forward, wary of approaching the elder Uchiha, but wanting a closer look. The pool itself reminded her of glacial water, being predominately blue-green in color with only flickers of other shades in the ripples.

"No." Itachi answered. "The pool itself consists mostly of water, although it has been tampered with."

"Huh? How so?"

"The water is warm to the touch, much like a hot spring would be."

Sakura's eyes widened with glee. "A hot spring?" She had to contain herself from leaping in headfirst, she felt so grimy. Thoughts of a real bath had been all but forgotten in the chaos of their new living arrangements. "Can we...can we bathe in it?"

"Yes." She missed the subtle twitch of the corner of his mouth.

The pink haired ninja watched him from the corner of her eye, hands fidgeting behind her back. He did not make to leave, which was upsetting. His presence made her irrationally angry. Irrational only because hers hardly registered within his notice. It was one thing to know when someone was pure evil and another when that pure evil refused to act accordingly.

"Why are you alone?" The Uchiha suddenly asked.

"I'm not, am I?" She shot back and marched over to the waters edge, impervious to all his stately glory. Or so she tried to convince herself. Her fingers grazed the water and a pleasant warmth welcomed them. A breath released in a sigh and she sat down.

His footsteps made a deliberate cadence in their approach. He could have been silent if he wanted, but he hadn't. There was no need, she guessed, and she was thankful if only by a small measurement.

When he stopped a few feet off to her left she turned to look up at him and said, "Why did you do it?"

Itachi cocked his head towards her and one eyebrow lifted infinitesimally, "I'm not on my death bed just yet." He said in a tone that was dangerously close to being amused.

"I want to know now." Sakura demanded, refusing to look away now that she had his attention.

"Why?"

"Because..." She trailed off, absently throwing a pebble into the pool. Her face fell and she stared at the ground despondently, not wanting to say what she felt, but needing to confide in someone. "I don't want to feel alone."

Behind the collar of Itachi's coat was a faint, bitter smile. "We are all alone inside ourselves, Sakura. It is the nature of our being."

The pink haired ninja's hands balled into fists at her sides, anger cutting harsh lines across her face. "But I had friends before. Now there's nobody."

It was not quite a sigh that passed over his lips as he lowered himself to the ground beside her, hands clasped together inside his sleeves. He looked out over the water, fighting off a smile at her efforts to watch him without appearing to do so. Young and not yet spoiled by the ruthlessness of life. It was something he had not been privy to for a long, long time.

"You have friends here." He answered calmly.

Sakura shot him a look, "Fish Face says you'll kill me when I outstay my welcome."

Now he _did _smile. "Kisame-san is used to playing his part."

The girl blinked and gazed back down at the ground in front of her. "But we're enemies."

"Once, perhaps." Itachi conceded. "The Moon's Eye plan is impossible now."

"What do you mean?" Now she really looked at him, searching, perhaps hoping for some sign of truth that was beyond his power to give.

The elder Uchiha hesitated, staring out across the water with a peculiar look. Then he spoke, "Chakra is the life force of our world, Sakura, and the world has been gravely wounded." His head shifted, the sharingan forcing her attention. "There is only one source large enough to be drawn upon to heal it."

Sakura felt herself on the precipice of a revelation that she couldn't quite get her finger on. It was like ice water down the back of your shirt. "You mean...are you saying the world will..._absorb_ our chakra to heal itself?"

His bangs shifted with the shake of his head. "Not ours."

And then it hit her. "The tailed beasts. But that would mean..._Naruto!_" She jumped to her feet, driven by the need to do something, but having no means to do it.

"Not necessarily." Itachi cautioned from where he still sat. "It may be that the bijuu alone absorb back into the planet, leaving the host unharmed. Regardless, they will cease to be."

"But—!"

"There is nothing you or anyone can do now." Itcahi broke in quietly and made the simple act of standing as fluid as water. Sakura was sick with jealousy just watching it. But mostly she was sick with fear and didn't want to think about it.

"How do you do that?"

"Practice."

That he knew exactly what she was referring to was nauseating. The leaf ninja grumbled something unintelligible, turning pointedly away from him and feigned interest in the pillar on her right. There were pictures carved into its base and characters she didn't recognize. Her fingers ran across the rough surface curiously, wondering who made them. They were not clean enough lines to be made by jutsu.

Sakura looked back at Itachi, "How old is this place?"

"Older than our history." He replied. "Beyond that I couldn't tell you."

"Huh." She gazed back at the pictures, wishing she'd paid more attention to ancient history while in school. Not that it mattered much now, but still...

Itachi had somehow made it as far as the cave entrance without alerting her. If not for his calling her name she wouldn't have noticed at all. Sakura looked up in time to catch his sideways glance at her.

"Yeah?"

"Be careful of Tobi."

Her brow furrowed, catching his unwavering gaze dubiously. "Tobi?"

"He is dangerous." And with that he disappeared.

* * *

"Someone's been pilfering toilet paper."

Kisame felt something like a needle in the back of his neck, burrowing like a tic until the pain was so excruciating he thought he might bellow and rip the nearest available head from its body. That just so happened to be Kakuzu, on both accounts. Too bad Stitches could just re-attach his head afterwords. Maybe Kisame could hide it?

"You would be keeping track of toilet paper." Remarked the Shark Faced one. He had his trays set with what was a passable tart crust, he thought, although it looked more like someone had stuck one of Deidara's "art" pieces inside a ball of dough and exploded everywhere.

Stitches was giving him that calculating look he had whenever he didn't trust you, which was all the time. "Unsanitary conditions will likely be our first pitfall."

"I don't know why you're telling me." Kisame studiously ignored that unnerving stare. Pinky was right – there was a lot of weird in this place. There was probably some deep meaning buried in there somewhere too, but he didn't really _do _that kind of thing.

"You're telling me, un. Sakura-chans got me pissing in a—"

"Too much information, Blondie." The blue skinned man interrupted loudly and tried to focus his mind on the fact that he was going to be enjoying a tart in about an hour. Not thinking about what Deidara was doing with the bucket by his cot.

"The girl is responsible."

"What makes you think it's not Hidan? He's sadistic enough to horde toilet paper." Kisame frowned down at the book. Shit. He'd forgotten the egg. Did they have eggs? Sakura had said there was some sort of preservation jutsu in place, but she hadn't mentioned any.

Eggs were pretty important. They had to have eggs, right?

Right about then Kisame felt something tickling his arm. He glanced down in preparation to swat at the offending insect and – "What the fuck!" The tiny black thread that had been caressing his arm narrowly avoided being severed in half. He looked up at the man responsible, roaring, "What the hell was that?!"

"You weren't paying attention." Kakuzu answered coolly. "If you want your pet to stay alive I suggest you start disciplining it."

"You so much as breath on her," Shark Face was a good 3 or 4 inches taller than the seamstress and he was going to milk that for all it was worth as he loomed over the other man, teeth bared in a grin that was anything but friendly, "And there will be no distinguishing features left on your body when I'm finished with you."

Kakuzu scoffed. "You can't kill me."

"Heart is a delicacy you know." Kisame related enthusiastically. "And I can eat a lot of hearts."

A thread twitched, "We have to maintain order here or we die. That includes the child."

The blue skinned man resisted the urge to punch something soft and fleshy. It wouldn't due to expend so much precious energy on his worthless hide anyway. He sighed. "Whatever, I'll talk to the brat. But remember what I said."

"It is not I that you should worry about." The other replied with a knowing glance at the door. "There are others here who do not fear you."

But they fear _Itachi _he felt himself snarling in his mind. Everyone feared Itachi. Even _him_...

Kisame shook himself as a chill curled down his spine and into his toes. He'd stopped whatever he'd been doing and now stared down at his hands like he'd never seen them before. His chest felt abnormally tight and breathing was difficult for a few short moments. Kakuzu was watching him, he could feel it like a spider crawling up his back, and he knew what the man was thinking.

Fuckin' stupid. They were all bat shit crazy fuckin' stupid. Everything they stood for, everything they'd been working towards was gone now, but they still had their eyes on the prize. It was what gave purpose to his miserable existence.

Or it had once. That time seemed so long ago now that he wondered who that person even was. Survival instincts had simply kicked in and overridden everything he knew.

"His madness will consume us all." Kakuzu iterated darkly, breaking the blue skinned missing nin's reverie.

In the past this had been a point of contention between the two. One that had often come to blows, but now...Kisame could recognize the seed of doubt growing in the pit of his stomach. Stitches had never been a believer – he was a bored entrepreneur with more time than he knew what to do with. Kisame's own certainty in their goal had been based on complete loyalty to the cause.

Until life jerked the rug out from under them.

"I think I need some fresh air."

"Good luck finding any." Kakuzu stepped aside with a shrug to allow the other man to pass on his hasty retreat from the room. When Kisame had gone he approached the counter, perused the flour disaster on the counter, and turned to Deidara, "Bring me 5 eggs."

The kid looked up, eyes wide and wary, "Huh?"

"5 Eggs." Stitches reiterated. "From the storage room."

Deidara shifted in his seat with a sniff, "I'm not supposed to mov—"

"Yet here you are." Kakuzu barked, eliciting a jump from the younger man. "Make yourself useful or you might become someone's next meal."

"_Fine, _un." The blonde exited the room at a hobbled pace, grumbling under his breath. "...wish Sasori were here..."

But he'd been unwilling to ask after his partner for fear of the answer he knew in his heart; If the fire had nearly killed Deidara it would most assuredly have consumed the puppeteer in his wooden body.

* * *

Sakura had elected to stay in the Charka spring cavern upon her Itachi's departure. It was only when he'd been gone a good 10 minutes that she realized he had skillfully avoided answering her question regarding the massacre. Now she _really _wanted to know.

He was doing it on purpose. Conniving bastard.

What if he miscalculated and suddenly died before he could tell her? It's not like you just knew exactly how long it was going to take, right? In the medical profession it could be swift or slow, with the slow generally being accompanied by agonizing pain. She'd be lucky if he knew what country he was in. This was the most important conversation he would ever have and he was risking taking it to the grave just out of...out of sadistic pleasure probably!

Sighing she tossed another pebble into the pool. Damn Uchihas. They'd been a bane on her existence her entire life! And they just had to be prettier than her too, just to add some nauseatingly sweet icing on that already decadent cake.

"I should've been a boy."

Someone snorted behind her in a poorly concealed attempt not to laugh.

Sakura twisted around sharply, ready to bolt, but it was only Fish Face. "You! What are you, my shadow?" The amount of relief she felt was absurd. She almost forgot that she was supposed to be mad at him for scaring her earlier.

"Someone's got to keep an eye on you." Kisame said as he entered and stopped not far from where his partner had been sitting minutes before. "What are you doing here?"

"Well there's this thing called 'thinking', and – w-what are you doing?"

It was rather obvious actually. Shark Face was removing articles of clothing. At an alarming rate.

"Stop that!" Sakura cried, horrified, and jumped to her feet.

Kisame complied, pant buckle suspended in his hands as he glanced up, "What? I've got briefs on."

Something between a wail and a groan came out of her mouth. "I don't wanna see your briefs!"

"Then don't look." He answered and in one swift motion he had divested himself of his pants.

Sakura would later claim that she'd seen nothing, and that would be a vicious lie. Mostly she was just embarrassed that she'd seen way more of Kisame than she'd ever intended to and was summarily ashamed that she found it...not repulsive.

A small splash signaled his entry into the water and she allowed herself a peek. Only his head was visible now as he resurfaced, the hair that so stubbornly made a cute little fin tip at the crest of his hairline now firmly plastered to the sides of his face. She snickered despite herself.

The man was for all the world oblivious to her though. After a while she gave up on the idea of poking fun at him because he was enjoying himself so much that she started to feel kind of envious; he made it look so easy. Sakura was not a good swimmer.

Kisame was not as oblivious as he pretended to be however. It was hard to ignore hardcore moping and Pinky was putting on a tremendous show. Knees drawn up to the chest, eyes just barely visible between her bangs, and arms hugged tightly around her legs – all the warning signs of impending female meltdown.

With an inward sigh he dove under, the feat utterly effortless much to his satisfaction, and coasted beneath the surface to the point where she was seated. When he surfaced he brought as much water with him as was humanly possible, and unleashed the wave on the unsuspected leaf ninja.

Sakura let out a gasp of shuck, stumbling to her feet in a vain attempt to escape, but the damage was done. When she looked at him, hair and clothes dripping wet, her gaze was murderous.

"Come on." Kisame motioned with his fingers.

"Are you crazy?!" She all but exploded. "I'm not going in there with _you_."

"You've been staring longingly ever since I jumped in."

"Was not!"

He rolled her eyes dramatically and flashed her a grin, "I'm not gonna bite. Promise."

Sakura mumbled something unintelligible, gaze locked on the ground at her feet.

"What was that?" Kisame swam closer, arms coming to rest on the edge of the pool.

"I don't have anything to wear!" She shouted back then and covered herself self-consciously, despite being fully clothed.

He blinked. "Well you've got shorts on, don't you?"

"Yeah, but..." Her face was turning a bright red, which looked really funny with the back drop of pink hair.

"I've got no interest in your bits, kid."

Sakura made a face of disgust.

"Uh, just pretend I'm your dad or something." He offered. An inward wince followed shortly. That sounded wrong on so many levels.

This time she let out a howling growl and he was half expecting her to march out of the cavern, but she stayed her ground. Water was a luxury few of them had enjoyed since coming here and the attraction was too strong to resist. And she'd been contemplating going in every since she'd stumbled on it earlier, only to find it occupied.

"Use my leg wraps if you want." Kisame offered. "They'll work as a, uh, chest binding." Not that she had any to speak of.

Sakura was watching him with wary regard. When no punch line was forthcoming she cautiously inched her way towards the pile of clothes he'd left behind, which were incidentally damp from his earlier display. She quickly snatched up a leg binding and ran to the other side of a pillar where she could change in relative privacy. Unless someone barged through the door or something.

"Tobi is sorry!"

"AHH!"

Hands splayed protectively over her bare skin and heart thumping against them, Sakura struggled to let in a breath. The orange mask had made to leave, but hesitated at the last moment, the movement slow and calculated. A huge splash startled them both from the direction of the pool and the pink hair girl turned in annoyance, but Kisame was nowhere to be seen. When she turned back around, Tobi had vanished.

The air was cool, but that was not the source of the prickling sensation across her skin. Her heart had not stopped in its panicked attempt to burst free of her chest.

After a moment, when she had convinced herself that Tobi wasn't waiting somewhere in the shadows to pounce, she wrapped herself up and knotted the binding tight. Then, hiding herself behind her bangs, she emerged from behind her pillar to approach the water.

Kisame was still nowhere to be seen. She waited at least 5 minutes and then she started to get worried. How long was normal for a person to be submerged without air? She'd given him the benefit of the doubt because of his strange biology, but surely this was a little excessive?

"Kisame-san?" She called out, coming to kneel at the water's edge.

The surfaced broke under her nose and there was no time to react to his speed. He had her by the wrist and was flinging her into the water, effectively cutting of her cry of surprise, in under 5 seconds.

Sakura came back up sputtering and flailing in a fury, "You bastard!"

Fish Sticks was laughing so hard not even her impressive octave could penetrate. When she started kicking water at him he leaned back with a contended sigh. "A little more on the left, thanks."

"I—hate—you—!" The girl reached the edge finally after much inelegant scrambling, gasping for breath and white as a sheet. "I can't swim!"

"Sure you can." Kisame rebuked. "You made it back to shore, didn't you?"

She sent him a withering glance.

"Alright." He began, swimming up beside her. "Lesson number one: panic makes you sink."

Sakura laughed humorlessly. "No, really? I hadn't guessed that."

"Lesson number two: sharks eat uncooperative students."

"Yes, _dad_."

"And their offspring"

Pinky glared at him. "What's lesson number two really?"

"Hell if I know. I'm making this shit up as I go." Kisame replied and swam to the other side of her. "You know 'the bloody dead carcass float'?"

"_What_?" Sakura stared at him incredulously. "A carcass _is_ dead, that's redundant, and there's no such thing as 'the bloody dead carcass float'!"

Fish Face sighed. "Alright. Can you float on your back in the water?"

"That's called the dead man's float." She said flatly.

"Whatever. Can you do it?"

"Yeah..."

"Good. Backstroke is easy. We can start there."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Uh, thank you for reminding about Sasori. I got my wires crossed, again. Originally this story was going to feature an older Sakura, in which Sasori would have already been dead. But then I changed my mind, and forgot about Sasori. Yup. Hastily patched up plot holes for the win. I think admitting to that is probably the first thing you don't do as a fanfiction writer, buuut there it is. Never underestimate my power to pull things out of my you-know-what! Err, not literally of course. Eww. T

Mostly I just hope you're all entertained enough to overlook my missteps. I've got enough loose ends to make Kakuzu proud. I like him for reasons I can't explain. I liked Itachi for reasons I _can _explain. The guy needs a hug. Even though he pretends he doesn't. He deserves an honorary place carved into the mountain with the Hokages. Or at the very least a statue.

Alright, rambling done! Reviews are appreciated.


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